Reader’s Question

My husband tends to throw fits and cuss and yell when when he is having troubles with something. He has never actually cussed and yelled at me or our son, but I still really don’t like it. It always seems to make the situation worse. It’s usually when we are working in the shop or with livestock. However, it does happen other times too. I have talked to him about this and he tells me he tries to keep his cool. But I want to know how I can help him. I know it’s not healthy for him or my son or myself or our marriage. What would you suggest?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Working with livestock… Your husband needs an example from Cow Psychology. A psychologist friend spent his childhood on a large dairy farm. At one time they had five cows in a fenced area who were injured while giving birth and all five were down and unable to stand/walk. His job was to nurse them back to health. Nothing he did seemed to work, and all five remained down. One day, noting that one cow was fatally injured, his father produced a pistol and killed the cow in the presence of the other livestock. He and his father dragged the dead cow out of the area and upon their return — the other four “down” cows were standing!

This is an example of “witnessed aggression”. When we experience verbal or physical aggression, even when not directed at us, we are intimidated. Your husband’s temper tantrums are creating an anxious environment for you and your son. Somewhat intimidated, you and your son will be “walking on eggshells” — hoping nothing will happen that will provoke his tantrums. As you identified, this is very unhealthy for the family and the marriage. Children who live in yelling-and-screaming families become insecure and anxious. Sadly, your husband probably minimizes the impact of his behavior, feeling it’s not a problem because the tantrum is not directed at you or your son. However, you still see it and hear it…and later you fear it.

His behavior may stem from 1) a high level of stress, 2) a low frustration tolerance, 3) a family model in which a parent had the same behavior, 4) inappropriate coping skills, etc. Some suggestions:

• Research the Internet for tips on dealing with temper and anger. Hundreds of sites contain tips on anger management and controlling stress levels.
• Ask him to substitute another behavior for his temper outbursts. The funnier the better. Instead of a temper tantrum, ask him to substitute a song, a phrase, a dance, say a prayer, etc. I worked with a patient once who sang “She Drives Me Crazy” (a popular song in the US at the time) each time he became upset with his wife. They both enjoyed it.
• Ask him to verbally ventilate before exploding in a temper outburst. If he can express his frustration as the situation gradually surfaces, he can decrease the amount of anger involved.
• If it’s creating problems in the marriage and family life, recommend counseling.

Witnessed violence and aggression can emotionally exhaust those who experience it on a regular basis. It can create emotional “burnout” in law enforcement personnel, correctional employees, and families who witness aggression on a daily basis. This is not something you want to ignore.