Reader’s Question

I am a 22-year-old female experiencing what are often referred to as “Daddy Issues”. My father, to whom I am very close — probably the closest among all the siblings, my being the eldest — is an influential man to whom I look up very much. He is intelligent and successful in his career, and most people say that we resemble each other both in looks and personality. I always turn to him for advice and regard him as “the one who knows best”. He is, however, very unemotional and normally refrains from showing any feelings such as pride in me, giving compliments or encouraging me in any way. Few things impress him.

Moving on to my problem, I think that these rather negative characteristics represent what I am, possibly without being aware, looking for in guys. I find men who give me compliments — or are too easily impressed by me — boring and uninteresting. If they show too much appreciation, I immediately run. Instead, I’m attracted by “bad boys” who I have to work hard to impress, in order to get just a moment of attention. If I get their interest, I feel an inner happiness at having “succeeded” and I feel proud of myself. I work hard on my looks and social skills, trying to be smart and funny just in order to be “the perfect” girl. But still, when people tell me that I’m fine the way I am, I refuse to listen. It’s not fine unless I impress my Dad/the guys that attract me.

I feel this is a harmful pattern, and I would like to change my way of thinking in order to find a nice guy who loves me despite my efforts.

What could you recommend? Thank you.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The situation you describe with your father is a common foundation I’ve seen in “daddy issues”. You have the sense that you and your father are “close” — but that’s only partially true. While he may be intellectually, socially, and financially supportive, he is not emotionally close or supportive. This is a deficit in his personality, not in you. Despite his talents, he may lack the ability to be emotionally expressive, supportive, or even available. He may feel his guidance and support demonstrates his love, without the need to be emotionally supportive. The absence of emotional support and recognition creates emotional “unfinished business” that you now try to satisfy and remedy as a young adult.

As a result of his behavior, your emotional development may be uneven, prompting low self-esteem despite your talent or appearance. In theory, you may find the “bad boys” more attractive because they trigger Emotional Memories of your father. Unusually, people who provide emotional support are actually uncomfortable to you. Like your father, you have difficulty accepting the emotional responses of others.

Being comfortable with a situation is not always good. With your father as a model, you are now more comfortable with emotional detachment and being treated poorly. As you suspect, this is a harmful pattern. I would recommend:

• counseling to explore the underlying and unresolved issues with your father,
• reading my introduction to personality disorders on this website, as adults operating like your father and the “bad boys” are often narcissistic,
• working toward an understanding that your father was supportive but emotionally limited, not completely the perfect parent you now idolize,
• exploring your self-esteem issues and how your attraction to emotionally unavailable partners only perpetuates that low self-esteem, and
• recognizing that you need to improve your emotional skills.

If you think about it, you’re focusing on improving your behavior (looks, social skills, being funny, etc.) to gain specific behaviors from others such as compliments, attention, etc. Like your father, you’ve taken heart-felt emotions out of the interaction. You need to focus on an emotional relationship rather than one based on your behaviors producing behaviors in your partner. Your friends love you emotionally and for that reason, your appearance, being funny at the time, etc. is irrelevant. With your background based on behaviors, that’s difficult for you to understand. I’d get working on this.