Reader’s Question

I know a woman who wants to control her dad. It’s been three years since her mother passed away. She is not a happy person and it seems like she doesn’t want him to be happy. She tries to keep everybody away from him. He had a girlfriend and had been so happy until his daughter found out. He’s been sick, and she wouldn’t let anyone else see him. Now he is well again. He won’t have anything to do with his girlfriend. I’m not talking about a young man. He is 65 years old. Do you think three years is long enough? What can been done about the daughter? She is 45. She doesn’t have any outside life but work. She has her own house. She doesn’t go out, and she has no friends.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The situation you are describing is not uncommon. Bereavement and/or illness in an older parent often brings the social and emotional support of the children, their families, and friends. For most of the sons and daughters, they provide time for the parent in their already-busy schedule of work, marriage, and their children. When a son or daughter is single, unemployed, financially insecure, etc. — a more dramatic change takes place. It’s not uncommon for that person to become the primary caretaker, source of transportation, and even live-in companion for the parent.

In healthy situations, this primary caretaker focuses on the health of the parent. However, as you describe, some caretakers continue to control and influence their parent for their own purposes. In this situation, the daughter caretaker is acting to control not only her father’s life, but the influence of other siblings and friends. If she were lonely and depressed prior to this situation, her new role as the primary caretaker may have given her a sense of purpose and control — something she is not likely to give up easily. She would see a girlfriend or other siblings as a threat to her control of the situation.

Preventing her father from having a girlfriend is related to protecting her involvement in his life. Sadly, the father may have accepted the situation in exchange for the social and household support of the daughter. He may view the daughter’s involvement in his life as help for his loneliness as well.

What can we do? There are a lot of factors to consider. Are other family members willing to become more involved? In general, we slowly return Father to a normal life with more independence. Other family members begin to visit more, take him out of the home, invite him to social events, etc. Those family members must also be supportive of his interests, including romantic interests. It’s not uncommon for sons and daughters to have mixed feelings when their widowed parent considers dating, as though dating was somehow disloyal and disrespectful to the memory of the deceased parent.

In these situations I often recommend strategies developed for captives in relationships. I’ve discussed these strategies in my article entitled Love and Stockholm Syndrome, available on this website. Friends and family must often “hang on loosely” and maintain contact and support at a distance. We must also remember that at 65 years of age, the Father may have accepted this situation for some reason or at least may have decided not to make major changes in his lifestyle at this time. We may have two lonely people accepting each other’s company.