Reader’s Question

I am 44. My boyfriend used to go on frequent business trips. He also kept going to New York every holiday. He didn’t ask me to go with him. He told me, that at Christmas he goes to New York. I asked if I can go, or if not should I make my own plans — no answer. Then I saw on his Facebook that his address is listed as living in New York, and he is single and thinking about going to New York for Christmas. Than I saw that a woman posted a message to him that she would like to go to New York too. I got mad and confronted him. He said that I’m jealous and she is his classmate and I should know that he planned to go to New York to his father’s grave (how should I know?). I actually caught him in small lies before. He used to cancel dates sometimes also. Was it all my fault, or he is a loser?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From your description, it sounds like this relationship has been at this level for several years, having the issue about New York for a few years at this point. It also sounds like he is not as invested or involved in the relationship: while you view him as your boyfriend, he may consider the relationship to be “steady dating”. If this is true, then the relationship will have changed very little over the past several years, including:

• He’ll always go to New York alone for whatever reason,
• He’ll lie and cancel dates when something interesting comes up to his benefit,
• He’ll not represent you as his partner or tell the public that he is involved in a relationship, as in the Facebook situation, and
• He’ll make no moves to make the relationship more committed than the current level.

I suspect this romance is now a “scheduled relationship” with dates on specific nights, he has certain rules and restrictions for you, he continues to keep much of his lifestyle and activities private, and any attempt on your part to change the schedule is met with resentment or conflict. These “scheduled relationships” can go on for years — and never move toward engagement or marriage — like dating forever. For some couples, this is acceptable and provides them with romance and a relationship on a very predictable and controlled schedule — like having a Tuesday night and Weekend Sweetheart. In other scheduled relationships, it’s only acceptable for one of the partners. When only one partner wants a scheduled relationship, the romance tends to fade away over time.

At this point, I think you have reasons to be concerned about where the relationship is going. I suspect there will be little change in this relationship and twelve months from now, you’ll once again not be invited to New York for the holidays. If you want more from this relationship, I’d recommend placing the relationship on a type of probation, perhaps four months, and make an effort to change the relationship in a direction that you would like as well. If you still have no change, then little or no change can be expected in the future. With that understanding, you might consider moving on to find a partner who accepts you as a life partner.