Reader’s Question

I am a 25-year-old girl, and I came to this site to ask for your help. I dated some boys I met on the net, and before meeting one another they liked, loved and appreciated me — and for 100% certain they wanted me for marriage. But after our dating, some of them left me and only a few of them remained until I broke off our friendship myself because of the way that they looked to me. Only one of them could maintain the friendship to some extent, but I don’t like his personality, and also he is not attractive to me. This situation has gone on from 5 years ago until now.

I am studying for a master’s in biology. I am thin, short and my face is average. I may be ugly in the eyes of some people. Please help me. This is so painful that people or men judge me only by my appearance.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

If we date someone in our community, we can discover additional information about them from our friends, co-workers, fellow students, and even their friends. With frequent face-to-face contacts, we not only get to see the other person, but we can observe their personality, their behavior, their attitudes, and their likes/dislikes. In the community, we also become quickly aware if the individual is dating other people.

Internet dating is a totally different experience. On the Internet, we don’t truly meet people — we meet what they offer or present to us. The Internet is an uncontrolled forum, and lying or presenting false information is very common. If you have a person who wants to marry you and hasn’t seen you yet, that person is either 1) lying, 2) trying to manipulate your feelings, or 3) emotionally unstable.

You might want to imagine dating as a type of fishing. When dating in the community, we are trying to catch a specific person, like a fisherman trying to catch one fish at a time. If the romance doesn’t work out, you move on. On the Internet, many people are dating multiple people at the same time, keeping their email, comments, personal information, and even face-to-face dating very separate. It’s like a fisherman who uses a net to catch many fish, then keeps only a few. On the Internet, the “bait” is often promises of marriage, financial support, excitement, etc.

I would recommend changing your strategy. You are currently living in a situation with a high percentage of intelligent, honest, and stable individuals — a university/college setting. It’s like fishing in a private lake that contains only good fish. Focus on dating at the university. When you date on the Internet it’s like fishing in the Ocean — it’s full of good fish, sharks, jellyfish, and some very nasty creatures.

Your experience has nothing to do with your appearance. You’re simply looking for romance in the wrong places. If you pay attention to your surroundings you may find that many honest, stable, and loving males can be found in your classrooms, at student meetings, and at local student restaurants. You may still find that some are not interested in you and that you are not interested in them. That’s dating. However, you won’t find as many sharks and social predators as you would online.