I Told Him About My Romantic Feelings, Now He Acts Like I Ruined His Life
Reader’s Question
This past year I started liking my best friend. We are both gay. He has had a boyfriend for 2 years; they recently broke up, but they were trying to get back together. His boyfriend is very controlling and treats him horribly. I just want to see my friend happy, and I thought I could make him happy. Anyway, when they broke up, feelings for my friend started coming to me and after a few months it was just eating me inside. I decided to tell my friend how I felt about him, and when I did, I didn’t get the response I thought I would get. Basically he got all weird and said I think you need to get over me and that he and his ex are getting back together.
I was crushed, but I realized I had to move on. I told him 2 weeks ago and since then things have been really weird for us. Our friendship isn’t the same. He acts like I ruined his life because I told him I like him. When we talk, he’s very short with me, which is not like him. We also had plans to hang out and he ditched me. No phone call, no apology, no nothing. That is unlike my friend, and I don’t know why he’s acting like this. He and I were very close, and I really thought he could handle this even if he didn’t like me back.
I miss my best friend, and I hate how things are right now. I’ve had a bad hand of friends in my life, but he’s been a really good friend — and I don’t want to lose him, so this is really upsetting to me. I’m trying to give him space, but I’m just afraid if I give him too much space we will never be friends again and I’m scared of losing him. What should I do? What advice do you have for me? Do you think our friendship is beyond saving?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
All relationships have unwritten rules and boundaries. Friendships and especially good friendships still have those rules and boundaries that both persons have accepted and followed over the years. These relationship boundaries and arrangements can remain steady for many years, and people who have “best friends” still understand that violating one of the unwritten boundaries would change or end the friendship. If you try to seduce your best friend’s partner — the friendship ends. It also ends if you borrow money and don’t pay it back, spread nasty rumors about him/her, steal from them, or consistently inconvenience them with 2:00 am phone calls.
When you informed your friend that you liked him in a romantic way, you changed the boundaries and agreements in the friendship. When we change the conditions in an existing relationship or friendship, the other party is often perplexed and confused about their next move. It’s their turn to re-evaluate the relationship. It’s like having lunch with the same co-worker for six years — always discussing work, friends, family, current events, etc. — then one day announcing you’d like to have a sexual relationship. Many people are uncomfortable when a relationship changes, often electing to reduce the “best friend” to a “friend” status. I suspect your friend has reassessed your relationship and dropped you to a friend level…at least until he decides what to do in the future. You may have lost your “best friend” rating but still retain a friendship.
Now what do you do? Further discussion would likely move him further away, as you suspect. In these situations, it’s helpful to accept your reduced friendship rating and be a friend. As he evaluates his feelings about the friendship, he may return and reestablish the best friend relationship…with the understanding that romance is not involved. In the co-worker example, it’s when the surprised co-worker returns to say “We can continue to go to lunch, but I want no conversations about a romantic or sexual relationship!” At that point, they continue to go to lunch and talk about friends, work, current events, etc.
