Reader’s Question

Seven months ago my husband and I miscarried an unplanned pregnancy. It was a life-changing experience for me in that I really found out what it was I wanted to do with my life. I want to be a mom again. My husband doesn’t feel that way. I am 42, and I feel stuck. I am running out of time, and the marriage is falling apart. It would be very risky to divorce and try to be a mom again alone or with another partner. But it seems worse to stay and settle. I don’t want to do anything else, and my husband is not willing to compromise in any way. My counselor says he will help me to move on, but why should I? Why am I wrong? He is a good father but has black and white thinking, so is there any hope he could compromise such as foster care or anything else?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I suspect you are going through a very difficult emotional experience at this time. I suspect your miscarriage was more than life-changing — it was emotionally traumatizing. A miscarriage can trigger a variety of psychological changes, including a severe depression due to changes in the brain’s Serotonin system. Serotonin (a neurochemical in the brain) is also associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and it’s not uncommon for individuals experiencing a sudden yet intense depression to experience obsessive thoughts. If you look objectively at your behavior and thought pattern, you have become obsessed about being a mother again, obsessed with having a child to the point that you are considering sacrificing your marriage, and obsessed with other decisions that would have been unconsidered or unexpected had you not experienced the miscarriage. This type of obsessive and depressive reaction is very common in miscarriages because that experience is more than the loss of a unborn child — it’s a loss of the fantasy, the plans for that childbirth, the anticipation of parenting, etc. Miscarriages often contain inappropriate guilt, as though the mother might have caused the event by their behavior or diet, prompting the mother to think obsessively about substituting with another child, foster child, or adoption. In many circles, this might be considered a type of “mid-life crisis” in which the adult suddenly yet totally reorganizes their thoughts about their life, marriage, and future.

While you view the experience as a life-changing event — and it clearly is — I suspect you are obsessed with having another child to the exclusion of every other aspect of your life. It’s a psychological reaction to the loss of the child and the bereavement that follows. The personality attempts to avoid the depression and grief by focusing on a quick-fix or “cure” — another baby, adoption, foster care, etc. The obsession becomes so strong that, as you say, “I don’t want to do anything else”. The harsh reality is that you are fantasizing about a child as all other aspects of your life deteriorate — your life as a mother to existing children, as a wife, as an employee (if working), as a person with prior interests, etc. Even worse, you are developing a sense of panic that might create risky behavior on your part — a sense that “I am running out of time”. From a clinical standpoint, your diagnosis is correct — you are “stuck”. Your reaction to the miscarriage is “stuck” in the obsessive-fantasy stage where people naturally think of options to make them feel better after such a traumatizing experience. You can think of nothing else, which means you are seriously stuck. As the counselor might describe, you’ve been unable to move on emotionally — move to that next stage of emotional recovery.

I know my opinion will be uncomfortable for you. It seems so much easier just to have another child, adopt a child, or become a foster parent — as though that would fix your loss. But it’s not that easy, and people who love you are concerned about you. The counselor is going in the right direction and his offer to help you “move on” is totally appropriate. I sense that you may require more than counseling. I suspect you are moving into a deep depression and if so, your thoughts about this matter will become so obsessive that you will be unable to sleep, rest, or concentrate. If this is true, you should consider consulting with your OB physician as again, this is a common experience. I’d also recommend reading articles on this website related to depression and grief.

We lose good marriages when this situation occurs. Your husband and your family will be unable to understand your obsessions, and you will be so preoccupied and obsessed that the deterioration in your relationships will go unnoticed from your side. You are in a dangerous situation here. Seek professional guidance as soon as possible.