Is it a Problem that I’m 56 Years Old and Infatuated With a Celebrity?
Reader’s Question
I am a 56-year-old woman who is intelligent, I have a good marriage, I’m not depressed, I don’t have any prominent emotional/psychological issues, and this is not something that has caused problems in the past. I’m not particularly prone to emotional attachments to celebrities. There were two periods of time in my life when I became infatuated (both with characters rather than the actors), and maybe two or three other times when I had milder attachments.
However, after 15 years since the last crush, I have, in the last year, become strongly enamored with a celebrity. I don’t believe I am quite “obsessive” but I do visit websites, want to see all his movies and have printed photos off the internet. Compared to others I have read about I consider myself within the realm of a garden variety attachment. I don’t want to meet this man, I haven’t written to him, and I don’t have sexual fantasies about him. I do have a significant emotional reaction to him however.
The problem is that my husband thinks this is sick, immoral, and a betrayal of our marriage and of him. I feel no less love for my husband as a result of this and, oddly enough, it has generated stronger feelings for him as I transfer some of this to our relationship. My husband is not controlling or possessive in general; he is an educated, highly accomplished person (a symphony conductor). However, he is also of the opinion that a spouse should not have even the most platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex. To him this is a major breach and intolerable. It’s not jealousy or insecurity, but rather a principle of what marriage is and that it should be pure and “forsaking all others”.
It may be meaningful that he is religious and from eastern Europe and thinks the modern western orientation is too permissive and self-indulgent. In other ways he is sweet, generous, accepting and liberal. I care about his feelings and don’t want to cause him pain, and yet I feel that he is being controlling on this issue and causing me to feel guilty for something that I think is harmless and enjoyable. I resent being told I must stop this. Am I overstepping the bounds of the sacredness of marriage? It seems completely crazy to me. I realize it’s a choice of whether to put him and my marriage first or my own sense of autonomy and freedom. Both of these considerations seem to be equally important and thus, my dilemma.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
As you suggest, being infatuated or having emotional involvement in celebrities is not unusual. Fantasy is often involved, especially when actors/actresses and musicians are the target of our interest. It’s common to fantasize about their characters in the movies, specific roles or songs, and their lifestyle. This normal interest in celebrities is the foundation for hundreds of magazines. As you also hint, these fantasy involvements can become a significant problem, the extreme being celebrity stalking and erotomania (the delusion that you are intimately connected to the celebrity).
The fact that your celebrity attractions come and go prompts a theory — something that often happens when you write a psychologist. Obsessive thoughts can surface when our stress level is very high and/or when we are depressed. A low level of the neurotransmitter Serotonin can create obsessive-compulsive behaviors so in theory, becoming obsessed with celebrities will occur when your life is very stressful, then gradually fade out as your stress level goes down. In clinical experience, our brain tends to repeat the same pattern when it comes to obsessive/compulsive symptoms — with some people becoming phobic under stress, others developing counting behavior, and you celebrity infatuation. Cycles of similar behavior are also common in hypomania in which our mood suddenly elevates, sexual interest increases, we are more talkative and need less sleep, and we develop multiple projects.
I don’t think infatuation or interest in celebrities is the major issue here. Your husband will have his favorite composers and musicians. The issue may be related to 1) the sudden appearance of the celebrity interest (noticing a change in your behavior), 2) the sexualized interest as noted by being enamored, 3) the pursuit as noted in visiting websites, and 4) the emotional bond present. It’s also worth noting that while you minimize this issue, you arrive at the conclusion that you must now choose between the marriage and your independence and freedom. When we go from a celebrity interest to feeling that our marriage or our individual autonomy is jeopardized — it’s no longer harmless. I think part of you is beginning to realize how far this is going when you say “It seems completely crazy to me”. Keep in mind this probably seems bizarre to your husband as well.
You may not like my opinion, but I’ve got to tell you there is something wrong here. This is more than a casual interest in a celebrity or a character. Given your age, history of such attachments, the enamored aspect, and concern that your marriage or your independence is on the line — I suspect you may be experiencing a hypomanic cycle, midlife crisis, or other mood disorder. When this happens, we behave “out of character”. If I’m right, this may get worse and may actually jeopardize your relationship with your husband. Clearly, both of you don’t understand what is happening and it’s getting out of control. I would recommend consultation with a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist for an additional opinion. This has moved beyond the “harmless crush” phase.
