Reader’s Question

Today was a bad day! My mom sent me to cut onions, and I went to do it. Anyway, while I was doing it my dad started shouting at me because he noticed that I was not “smiling” while I was doing the work. I got angry and talked back to him saying that I don’t like “smiling” while I work. Then, he just went on and on about how life is hard and that I should do other things beside reading all the time and getting good grades at school. Then goes my mom taking his side and saying that I should not talk back to my dad because he is always right and I should not talk back to my dad while he is lecturing me. I felt the need to talk back because I had to prove my side of the story — that I did not make a face because I was sent to cut some stupid onions, it was just that I don’t like to smile while I work. At the end of the argument, my mom told me to go apologize to my dad even though I have nothing to apologize for. Anyway, I just want to know whether I made the right decision or not.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are describing a highly stressful home situation. When a parent shouts at you for not smiling, that’s a good sign of a hypercritical environment where everything you say, do, think, and feel is subject to criticism. Living in such an environment can gradually destroy your self-esteem and social confidence. Is getting angry the right decision when shouted at for not smiling while working or cutting onions — probably not?

People are hypercritical because they feel they know best, have all the answers, and are entitled to give their opinion to anyone around them. For this reason, yelling back or becoming angry doesn’t work. If your goal is to prove your point that smiling isn’t necessary when cutting onions — you’re wasting your time and energy. Hypercritical people only care about their opinion — not yours. You need to develop better strategies to deal with their behavior with a goal of using those good grades and reading skills to eventually live independently and without stress. Some recommendations:

• Recognize that your home life is very stressful at this time, for whatever reason. Shouting over nonsmiling suggests that Dad and Mom may be very stressed, maybe for reasons unknown to you. In these high stress homes, avoiding confrontations and shouting matches lowers the stress level.
• Under stress, people argue about silly issues. Stressed individuals often feel like an emotional volcano, ready to explode. For that reason, they seem to look for things to explode about. It can be as simple as clothing on the floor, a full trashcan, or not smiling. Normal criticism is typically very short and to the point as “If you keep lifting things that way you’ll hurt your back.” Stress-out criticism is always followed by a lecture, as you describe in your situation. The lecture allows them to blow off emotional steam. When you hear the lecture begin, you’ve already lost the conversation and your best strategy/bet is to not shout back.
• Remember that smiling while working or cutting onions isn’t more important than reading and good grades. Maintaining your grades is what will eventually move you out of that stressful environment. Focus your efforts on your future goals, not making a point on a silly topic with your father. Your immediate goal should be surviving a stressful family life to become an independent, successful, and happy person.
• Try not to fight, backtalk, yell, scream, or argue if possible. This will only create more stress for the family and you. Rather, develop skills of using humor, avoiding confrontation, and having polite discussions when the opportunity is available. Talk frequently to your parents and give them information about your life (regular information, that is). Don’t be secretive, avoid them, or be socially withdrawn, as that increases their stress level. Avoid needless confrontations — not your parents.

Your family is having a difficult time. You can help the family and yourself by developing ways to keep the stress level low. You can be successful as a person, even if you don’t always smile when you work.