Reader’s Question

At what age should a child no longer be sleeping in a parent’s bed, especially when the adult/adults sleep naked? I know that parents tend to have open nudity with their children a lot, but it makes me very uncomfortable when I wake in the middle of the night and find my boyfriend’s 7-year-old climbing in bed with us when we are nude. I have tried sleeping with PJs on, but he still is comfortable being nude in front of his children. I also feel as if the daughter is trying to create a wedge between us by not allowing us a full night’s sleep, and if he does not give in to her sleeping in his bed, he gives in to her request to lay with her for a little while — which ends up being half the night. I feel as if my personal boundaries are not being respected, as well as that his daughter is running the house. I say the latter because she does not allow us a moment’s privacy, decides when we go to bed, and demands getting waited on hand and foot all day long. I love my boyfriend and his children, but I am losing my mind and sleep. Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Let’s start with this: a seven-year-old daughter should not be sleeping with her naked father no matter what intellectual, pseudo-philosophical, or unusual rationalizations are used by the parent. Regarding parenting practices, the issue is not if he’s comfortable being naked in front of the children, it’s what is best for the children! It’s very likely that he’s more uncomfortable setting and maintaining boundaries with the children — behaviors often viewed as being a good parent. Most parents sacrifice some of their independence and social freedoms to protect their children — that’s parenting. I suspect your boyfriend has established few boundaries and rules with his children, thus allowing them to dictate everything, including sleeping arrangements and adult privacy in the home. This lack of effective parenting produces children who control the home — rather than the parents. While children often view a boyfriend or girlfriend in the home as a threat to their relationship with the parent, this lack of boundaries allows those children to aggressively undermine that adult relationship, as you are now experiencing.

Sadly, I think this is the tip of the iceberg. If we think about his behavior, he’s providing no respect or consideration for your feelings or attitudes about the situation. You have expressed your appropriate concerns, and those concerns are being ignored for the most part. You’ve likely found yourself in a situation where the priorities are 1) his opinion and belief, 2) his children’s behaviors and beliefs, and 3) you. Most adult relationships strive to reach some accommodation for everyone. New couples often discuss changes in the home routine with their children — changes prompted by a new adult in the home. Those new changes can be related to everything from clothing and meal schedules to adult privacy. Those changes eventually allow the new adult to become part of the home and family unit rather than being an individual who visits or only lives there — but has no influence on the way the home operates.

I’d recommend discussing your concerns with your boyfriend. If he isn’t receptive to addressing your feelings about the situation, then you know where you stand in the priority line. I’d emphasize the need for adult privacy first, followed by the nudity issue. Your boyfriend clearly isn’t thinking about the social implications of his behavior. When a first-grader describes her father’s nocturnal erections during “show and tell”, that father will find himself talking seriously to the child protective agency in the community. As children mature, they will also be describing their parents and their home life to other children, producing concern from other parents in the community. You’re not describing living in a nudist community here, but rather a parent who is ignoring his responsibility to protect his children socially and emotionally. That’s my opinion.