Reader’s Question

What’s wrong with me? I can make friends in an instant, and I am smart funny and could have or do anything I set my mind to. So what’s my problem? I recently went back to school to get my masters (in something). The thing is that I must upgrade my marks first. Because of this it has given me time to think about what I’ve been doing and where I’ve been. Honestly, thinking about all of this is what has probably made me depressed. I am 30, single, making 20Gs less than I had been, and back at school. I want to kill myself half the time. The road to my masters is a long one, and I want to quit everyday — but there is nothing to go back to. Looking back on my past I feel that nothing has ever been good enough for me — not boyfriends, my parents, jobs, friends, etc. And I feel that because of this mentality, all of my high expectations (for everyone but myself), I am all alone. Maybe there is something underlying in what I’ve written, that is the answer to all of my problems, but I just don’t see it! Can anyone help me clear things up — give me a clear picture with which to guide me? I need something. I hate life right now and I am damned if I will let this go on forever.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’re showing the classic signs of clinical depression. Our stress level is often a reflection of our level of responsibilities and changes in our life. Even positive events can be stressful. As you describe, you’ve recently experienced several major changes in your life — change of job, financial changes, graduate school enrollment, social changes, etc. You’ve not only got the history that we typically find in depression, but you’ve got the symptoms as well — crying spells, preoccupation with the past, being lonely in a crowd, self-torment, sense of gloom and doom, self-criticism, decreased motivation, repressed anger, etc.

I would recommend reading articles on depression on this website as well as taking a few of the screening tests. Depression is an emotional, social, and physical disorder that is very common in graduate students. While most of us are familiar with the emotional states in depression such as sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, and crying — there are physical changes such as sleep disturbance, a thought process that won’t shut up and torments us, severe fatigue, appetite disturbance, and even hot and cold flushes. It seems the neurotransmitter associated with depression (Serotonin) also regulates body temperature. To fix your situation I would:

• Read about depression to understand what is happening to you.
• If the physical symptoms are present, then your neurochemistry has changed. In such cases, an antidepressant medication is recommended. You can begin by consulting your family physician/GYN as they often encounter depression in their daily practice.
• Consider individual counseling at the school. Most universities have a professional counseling department.

The purpose of an advanced degree is to give us advanced comprehension and problem-solving skills. This situation is your first major graduate school examination. You must now:

1. identify the problems — depression and stress,
2. research the issue,
3. consider options for treating the issue,
4. engage in treatment,
5. monitor your progress, and
6. analyze the outcome of your approach to the problem.

We often forget that the academic requirements are only one part of graduate school. Social and emotional stamina are also involved. I once talked with a CEO of a major corporation who told me he always hired people with graduate degrees in any subject because “They can tolerate just about anything and will persevere until a job is done”. Graduate school is not just a measure of your academic ability.