Reader’s Question

I have a friend who has a 43-year old son, and I have just come to realize that she has manipulated him all his life. He is now in prison for the second time. I’m a minister and started writing and visiting him until she told him something about me and he quit making contact with me. I want to help this man, but his mother seems jealous. I thought she was a good Christian but have since found out that she manipulates and controls everything and screams, cusses like a sailor and can be violent. I want so much to help the son but am afraid if I say anything to him about her he will turn completely against me. This son will soon be out of prison and if this is allowed to continue he will be right back in there and this time for life. What can I do to help him?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In the parable of the “Good Samaritan,” a man arranges shelter, clothing, and nourishment for a person who never even asked for his help. This man, however, was a true victim of a tragedy not of his own making. He was ambushed through no fault of his own and left for dead. It was a genuine act of compassion for the Samaritan to take the initiative to get the man back on his feet (although it’s noteworthy that he did so anonymously and had no further contact with the man after the fact).

The man you describe has been to prison not once, but twice. It would be very hard to imagine that he is the victim of the same type of ambushing the Samaritan encountered with the victim he helped. Rather it’s more likely that this man has made some very poor choices in his life, reflecting on his character. It’s equally unlikely that whatever deficient character his mother may have that she is responsible for his bad choices to the point that her continued relationship with him will necessarily bring him back to prison again and for life. One would think he has some free will control over that. Sometimes our thinking can get really cloudy as to who the perpetrators and victims are.

In order to be of genuine help, we must first reconcile what genuine help is. Constantly initiating actions with someone who has not asked for it, does not actively nurture the helping relationship, and who is not in the same predicament as the victim in the parable, is not “helping” — it’s “enabling.” While your intentions may be noble, it might be the best course to take a step back and more thoroughly examine all the “dynamics” at work in this situation. You can be “available” for help and guidance, naturally. And of course, if you have cleared all the rods from your own eyes, you will see clearly how to help remove the speck in your brother’s.