Can a Mom Be Too Intimate With Her Son?
Reader’s Question
I have a friend who may have a relationship with her son that is too intimate. She is in her late thirties and is recently recovering from a hospital stay for depression. She has had a great deal of conflict with her husband and they are close to separating. He has been a bully and easily raises her anger. They have a daughter, age 9, and a son, age 6. The children often sleep in the parents’ bed or the mother will sleep with with the children, particularly the son. The mother has commented that the son will lie on top of her a lot of the day and that they often whisper to each other for long periods, with their lips brushing together. The father is very abrupt and critical of the son. The daughter is still sucking her thumb and is particularly secretive, doing what she wants against expressed and fair wishes. Both children have regular tantrums, often getting angry and sometimes hitting their mother. The home environment is an emotional roller coaster, with many problems.
My question is just how intimate should a mother be with her son? I raised my children and am close to them, but kept boundaries so they had personal space most of the time.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Many times, especially when there is significant family dysfunction, appropriate boundaries become blurred or are transgressed, and appropriate roles for family members become confused or reversed. When the relationship between a couple is dysfunctional, satisfaction of needs can be sought through the children.
In healthy families, the children know that the nature of the relationship and alliance between their parents is different from the relationship and alliance they have with their parents. Also, in healthy families, the naturally different roles of the various family members are maintained and respected. In the case you are describing, it sure seems like all parties could benefit from joint family as well as individual counseling and guidance. A mother who has too many unresolved emotional issues and unmet needs and whose relationship with her partner is troubled can have a difficult time sorting out when she is acting-out her own emotional conflicts versus serving the best interests of her children.
