Reader’s Question

My youngest daughter is emotionally estranged from me. Her father killed himself many years ago after physically abusing me to the point that I ultimately left him. My daughter was just 5 years old at the time. Her father worked at alienating her emotionally from me until he died, and I suspect the seeds he sowed have taken root.

My daughter and I only speak on the phone and only when she deems it okay. I do my best just to let her know that I am available for a closer relationship whenever she is ready, and try not to be too intrusive. Regardless, our conversations are very one-sided and she often uses them as occasions to attack me.

What concerns me the most is the fact that she married a man 6 years older than herself. This man took her inheritance the day they married (they eloped on her 18th birthday) and spent it on “toys” for himself, including a new truck and motorcycle that he put in his father’s name. He has been horribly verbally abusive to her in my presence. She has no resources of her own, and I worry that the pattern she witnessed with her father and I will repeat. I blame myself for allowing myself and my children to live in an abusive situation and fear it has taught them how to tolerate abuse, too. What can I do to help my daughter?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Cycles of abuse do tend to repeat, and grown children do tend to enter relationships that are familiar in character to those they encountered in their younger years. That said, your daughter is now an adult and is responsible for her choices — both good and bad. You do well to signal your readiness and willingness to be available to your daughter but to keep your distance and not be perceived as attempting to control or ruin her life. However, you can indeed do more than simply be available. You regret not setting the example for your daughter earlier about how to not tolerate abuse or irresponsibility. Now, you have the chance to model all the right things and to set a good example about how a woman maintains a healthy self-image, secures her legitimate wants and needs, and sets the kinds of limits that keep others from abusing her. That would even include not tolerating verbal attacks from your daughter. If you’re expecting an instant, miraculous awareness to develop with you’re daughter, you’re only asking for a deeper heartache. But with time, if you model the kinds of behaviors you wish you’d modeled when she was younger, both of you are likely to benefit, and you’ll have at least the chance for the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted.