Reader’s Question

I’ve been dating a man I thought was wonderful and who had been divorced around 4 years when we began dating. For the first four months things were beyond wonderful. He seemed to love being a part of our family (I have 2 daughters and he has no children). But suddenly things changed and it seemed like he started looking for excuses to leave our house early to get home. I had a suspicion that he was talking to his ex-wife because I knew she had caused trouble in his previous relationships. But he assured me that they only exchanged brief emails occasionally and that she was happy for him and would never wish to interfere in our relationship. However, after several months of suspicions, I checked his email and found that they been emailing daily and that several of the emails were flirtatious in nature. He had even taken her out to eat at least once but insisted it wasn’t a “date” but rather two old friends getting re-acquainted. He told me that he didn’t want to lose me, and that he would quit visiting her and calling her but he hasn’t.

It bothers me that he refuses to see any fault in her and blames himself alone for their divorce because he had an affair. Besides that, he clearly cannot cut ties with her. This has gotten to be a very painful relationship for me. Every time I try to explain my feelings he pushes me away. I have begged him to get counselling about letting go of his ex. He says that he is dealing with his problems on his own. Initially I wondered if he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder because of his insensitivity to my feelings and emotions. I’ve also wondered if living with someone as sick as his ex-wife could have caused him to pick up some of her symptoms. What keeps him holding on to her? Why does he refuse to see her faults? I know I should simply stay away from this man. But I love him very much. And part of me wonders if there is any hope.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Many different factors draw people into relationships with one another, and many factors influence how and why people stay engaged with one another despite obvious problems and unhealthiness. Counseling can be a great opportunity to explore those factors, as they are unique to every individual. You have entertained notions that this man you have been dating has a personality disorder of his own, possibly “contracted” the symptoms of his ex-wife’s pathology, or that this woman herself is the root cause of all problems, wielding unimaginable power and influence to wreck any chance of your being happy with him. Intellectually, you know that none of these notions make any sense and that you might be better off to sever all ties. Yet, you linger in anguish. The reasons for that most likely have to do with your own needs and issues. Focusing on people, places, and circumstances outside of our ability to control is the breeding ground for frustration and depression. Instead of thinking how you might pressure him into counseling, it might be a good idea to consider counseling for yourself. Counseling is a great opportunity not only to get in better touch with what motivates and concerns you with respect to your relationships but also to turn your attention toward those things over which you can exercise real power and feel vital again — namely your own needs and behavior.