Reader’s Question

Four years ago, our 24-year-old daughter left the faith she was raised in and has been somewhat distanced from the family since that time. Recently, after an emotional exchange between her, myself and her sister, she sent an interesting text message. Basically, it said: “Not everyone who goes to church is good. There is more that went on than you know.” That message prompted me to call and ask her what she meant. Reluctantly and with tears, she said she had been molested a few years ago. But, after mentioning that bombshell, she immediately said she didn’t want to talk about it and would not reveal who it was (it would damage some families if she revealed his identity). At her request, I stopped questioning her. Her father and I would like to know what to do next. We know we can’t force her to open up and talk, but how is the best way to encourage her to do that on her own? I think she wouldn’t have sent the original text message if she didn’t want to go further, but she is still adamant about not wanting to talk. She said she now just wants to “move on” and that she’ll never have to see the person who molested her again. Is this healthy? As her parents, we are hurting for her and from this news.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not uncommon for victims of molestation to be hesitant to disclose for a variety of reasons. In most cases, the perpetrator is well-known to the victim and possibly even the family. Identifying the perpetrator necessarily invites negative consequences for both the perpetrator as well as those near to him (or her) that the victim might feel undue guilt about. Addressing the abuse directly also often involves the victim re-experiencing a fair amount of emotional trauma. So, it’s not uncommon for victims to both send up red flags that abuse occurred as well as to attempt to avoid disclosure and addressing the issue.

In addition to being as supportive as possible and allowing the victim to overcome denial and distancing at her own pace, it’s very important to send the message that the victim is in no way responsible either for the abuse she experienced or for its consequences. Gently encouraging the victim to solicit the support of a counselor with specific training in the area of molestation is also a good idea. Many studies have attested to the significant impact molestation has upon its victims. So, appropriate counseling should be supported and encouraged. Nonetheless, it’s also very important to give the victim space and a sense of control, because after all, the boundary violation they experienced likely did significant damage to their sense of both of those important things.

Research indicates that some molesters manage to molest several victims before finally being detected. In time, your daughter might even come to realize that she would not so much be destroying the life of her perpetrator but protecting the lives of other potential victims if she discloses. But it’s important that she be afforded not only support and encouragement but a sense of privacy and control.