Reader’s Question

I have an issue with my husband’s dependence and unmotivated attitude. Here’s my situation: We’ve been married for 6 years now and have two little boys. My husband’s mother has been giving us financial support since the moment we got married until today, but the support is not enough to raise a family, so I researched and eventually got full time work online. I take primary care of the kids, but he tries to help in any way he can. My issue is, he doesn’t have a job and it seems like he is not doing anything to try and get one.

My husband worked in a call center before but for only two months because the job was too “stressful” and the pay was poor.

Since I got myself a good job online, I encouraged him to do the same so we can still earn even without leaving the house. He received a couple of rejection letters, but that’s normal. I told him you gotta keep trying and keep searching, but he simply gave up. I feel like he is satisfied to let his mother partially support us and doesn’t feel any responsibility to be a provider for his family. But the time will probably come when his mother cannot send us anything anymore, and I will be the only one working and we will have big trouble making ends meet.

It angers me that he doesn’t seem worried about our future and he lays down in bed with his laptop and posts in online game forums. Each time I address the issue with him, he gets mad and tells me that I see myself as always right and that I’m insensitive and don’t care what he feels. Then he raises his voice and starts swearing, so I stop talking to him. Will he ever grow up and face his responsibilities?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You presume that your husband is “dependent,” which implies that he lacks the ability or faculties to do for himself and therefore has to rely on others. Not all irresponsibility is rooted in dependence, however. Sometimes, people develop a pattern of irresponsibility because overly conscientious people around them are always willing to carry the weight. From what you say, your husband’s mother did this and still does, and now you do it also. Why would anyone develop the “motivation” to fend for themselves (and for their family) if everyone else is doing the work and there appears no immediate necessity? From what you say, your role in your present family is not only mother to your children but also one of being another mother to your husband.

Patterns such as you describe generally develop over a long period of time and are not prone to changing quickly. Besides, every person in the family system is likely to play some kind of “enabling” role. You indicate that when you try to verbally cajole, he blames you and swears. Verbal prodding is no substitute for firm limit setting. The commitment of making a life together and raising a family is a serious endeavor that not every person has developed the character to do responsibly. It’s probably time to stop talking and set some very firm expectations and limits. Counseling can be a helpful vehicle for flushing out and dealing with issues also, but in the end no person is likely to take on the responsibilities of living if those around him enable him to shirk them.