Is There Hope for Me and My Meth-Addicted Husband?
Reader’s Question
I am married to a man who 5 years ago at the age of 35 decided to try methamphetamine (“Meth”) for the first time. Over his 4-month addiction, he used nearly $10K in meth alone. It was horrifying. During that time, I became the center of his focus. According to him I was having him followed and let cameras be installed in our home, his car, his phone, and our computer. He believed this was because I wanted him in prison and would do anything to put him there. He claimed I knew sign language and communicated with everyone on the streets. He believed I was cheating, lying and being dishonest to him about everyone and everything. Finally he came to me and asked for help…
He got off the drug, but the damage was severe, and we made little progress over the years in getting him “better” because of various misdiagnoses. It was nearly impossible to get him to any new doctor because he did not trust them. He battled other addictions to medicate the side effects of the meth and eventually landed in prison. He has been in prison now for 2.5 years and has a little less than a year to go. He went to prison still believing I was behind all of his troubles. He has been through hundreds of hours of treatment, counseling and courses and appears to be physically and mentally in check. My concern that he still thinks I did all those things I did. He knows I am not doing them now but believes that I was still behind all the hurt and pain he has suffered. He says he still loves me but is not sure our marriage can make it after all I have done to him. I never did even a single thing he accused me of. I need to know if there is any chance that once he gets out of prison that he will see in time that I could never have done those things or if damage to his brain is so deep that that won’t happen.
Can we ever have a normal marriage again, or do I have to accept drugs destroyed it forever and try to let him go?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Individuals who abuse mind- and mood-altering drugs can do many different kinds of damage to their brains and thought processes. Sometimes, however, brain disorder issues lurk beneath the surface, subtle and undetected, and are “self-medicated” through substance use for a time, only either to be exacerbated or to flourish while the substance abuse continues or even when it abates.
The distorted thinking processes associated with substance abuse generally are the main targets of state-of-the-art treatment, whether the treatment is provided in the prison setting or in the free world. Continued distorted thinking would be an indication either that the treatments provided were inadequate and ineffective, or that there was not sufficient investment and compliance with treatment requirements on the patient’s part. Fortunately, most prisoners are discharged under some degree of supervision (i.e., parole or probation) and their supervising officer can mandate treatment at a program that has been scrutinized for its qualifications. Some prisoners unfortunately end up serving all of their time and discharge their prison sentences with no supervision to follow. A few very forward-looking prison systems have transition or step-down facilities to which the prisoner must go to before release to total freedom and where they can get ongoing treatment in which other family members are generally involved.
Whatever the other circumstances are in your case, it’s essential that your husband remain firmly committed to a substance-free lifestyle, that appropriate treatment be continued, and that the distorted thinking patterns that would necessarily wreak havoc in any relationship you might hope to have with him be directly challenged and addressed.
