Reader’s Question

My daughter is 7 months pregnant and has two children ages 5 and 7. She has been married to my son-in-law for 14 years. My son-in-law has been a great father and has also been really close to all of our family. He has shown himself to be somewhat controlling over the years, but for the most part he was a good decent man. About three months ago, he started spending a lot of time on the computer late into the night. Then, about a month ago he told my daughter that he was unhappy and had been for quite some time (if this were true he should get an Academy Award for his acting ability, because never once did I see signs of any unhappiness on his part). He has moved into an apartment with three other guys, left his church (which I thought meant a lot to him), and shows no remorse for the damage he has done to his immediate family and to his extended family. It’s like someone took our son-in-law and replaced him with a stranger. What is happening? I feel like we are trying to put a puzzle together, and we don’t have all the pieces.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While it’s impossible and inappropriate to diagnose a situation so remotely, there are some very definite possibilities to consider.

First, there is the possibility that your son-in-law is in the midst of what has been typically called a “midlife crisis.” Although there is some debate within the professional community about whether such a syndrome even exists and what might be responsible for it if it does exist, many find it a useful description for a phenomenon that affects both men and women from as early as their 30s to their late 50s. Symptoms vary, but mostly include uncharacteristic restlessness, dissatisfaction and irritability, loss of interest in intimacy with their partner, disturbances of mood, lethargy, loss of interest in usual activities, and impotence. Although the prevailing opinion is that most of the causes are psychological in nature, hormonal factors are also thought to play a role. Men who appear to be at the greatest risk for suffering a midlife crisis are those whose working life and/or family life has been the principal source of his identity and those who either married early or who never gave sufficient consideration in their younger years to the kinds of life changes that would necessarily await them in mid-life and later years.

Some men have been known to try and restore a more vibrant sense of identity by engaging in behaviors that were more typical of behaviors associated with adolescence (when they were first forming a sense of identity). New, flashy cars, affairs, flirtations, and daredevil behaviors are not uncommon ways to self-medicate the malaise often associated with the syndrome.

Another possibility that can occur in place of or in addition to a midlife crisis is much more psychological in nature. Some individuals never really enter adulthood with a healthy sense of self and direction. Rather, they do what they think is expected of them and appear to derive joy from the things others have always told them they should value. Then, after spending their early lifetime meeting expectations, they finally decide to declare emotional independence. This can come at great expense, especially if they have married and raised a family.

Whatever the situation might be in your case, it would probably take a fair degree of time and fairly consistent effort in counseling to sort things through, and it is uncertain whether the timing or motivation is optimal for such an endeavor right now. It’s also hard for all concerned parties to sit on the sidelines and allow necessary growth to happen. But that’s just what one has to be prepared to do, within appropriate limits (e.g., one can’t ignore a person’s financial and/or emotional abandonment of one’s children, and one has to decide for oneself what limits to place on any abandonment and/or mistreatment caused by the affected person’s behavior). It’s a good idea to encourage the person to seek out a counselor. Presenting the idea as a way to help him put more joy back into his life and to have a sounding board is likely to be more effective that suggesting there’s something “wrong” with him that requires treatment.