Reader’s Question

I’m at my wits’ end. My 18-year old son just got his grades today from his 2nd semester at Community College. He got 2 F’s and 2 Withdrawals. I had no idea this was happening. I asked every day how classes were going, whether he had any homework tonight, any papers, was studying for tests, etc. He always told me “everything is fine,” or “yes, I’m keeping up.” When I asked how he could have let this happen, he said he messed up on a few assignments and lost his focus.

I’ve paid for my son’s tuition and books, as well as his car insurance. He doesn’t have to work and is only required to get decent grades (B’s and C’s are fine, no pressure to be a “Straight A” student). I have told him school is his main job right now. Now he says he wants to transfer to another school and get an apartment with his buddies. He was supposed to use scholarship money to help pay his rent and living expenses, but now that’s gone, and his mother and I had been picking up the rest.

I’m not sure what to do now and how much financial help I should continue to provide. Any suggestions?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The situation you describe is not an uncommon scenario. When your son was a young child, your job was to provide safety as well as material and emotional support. Now that he is entering adulthood, he still needs your emotional support but has to learn to take responsibility for his well-being.

Children mature at different rates. That process can be significantly stunted if they are “enabled” to behave irresponsibly. Your child needs to know that your love and affection for him are constant and unwavering, while your approval and endorsement of his conduct are conditional upon his willingness to demonstrate responsibility. Count on him to make mistakes. If he is honest with himself and has a solid moral foundation, in time he will learn from those mistakes. If he doesn’t have the moral compass by now, it will be most difficult for you to try and instill one. From what you say, it appears your son is likely to dabble in some other areas of irresponsibility. It is not your duty to unconditionally bankroll his self-exploration. Make it clear what the limits and conditions are regarding your financial support. You should also let him know that your love is steadfast and that you’re available for support and guidance when he truly needs and wants it. Other than that, you have to let him learn what it means to be an adult, and that means taking on the responsibilities of life and facing the consequences of the decisions he makes.