Reader’s Question

I must be feeling desperate to go online and ask this question, but here goes. I actually had to leave my house tonight to get away. My 18-year-old daughter seems to run our lives. She is disrespectful and refuses to abide by any rules. This has actually been going on for a few years now. She has run away a few times and lived with her boyfriend’s family for awhile. She then came back home and her father and I had high hopes that she was maturing and wanting to do something with her life. However, she has proven us wrong and to be frank, I’m not sure how many more times my heart can be broken. This is a child who was very involved in sports and school activities, and we have horses that she was involved with.

Then, in 10th grade life started turning upside down. I’m not sure exactly what went wrong. I know there are several factors that influenced her: friends, experience with alcohol and drugs, etc. Her father and I kept thinking that some of this was somewhat normal teen behavior (we’ve raised a son as well but he’s 10 years older) and didn’t do much about it except talking to her a lot and thinking she would pull out of it.

Well, now she’s 18 and won’t put much effort into looking for work. She’s been in trouble for drinking. I’ve asked her to attend counseling with me, or alone, but she refuses. She goes out every night and comes home early in the morning, or not at all. Recently, we told her that from now on she had to be home by a certain time, just so we could get sleep (we both run businesses). She seems very angry all the time. I believe she’s miserable, but when I try to help, she just ends up blowing up. I’ve tried being the understanding parent, the tough love parent, etc. but nothing seems to work.

I’m afraid there is something really wrong with her, as she is becoming more hateful and aggressive, but I don’t know if its drug/alcohol use or some sort of mental problem. She truly had a good upbringing, and we were once very involved in her life. This change in her behavior is devastating me. Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course it is impossible to make an accurate assessment of your situation remotely. Nonetheless, there are some things to consider. Marked changes in a person’s usual demeanor and personality, angry outbursts, and uncharacteristic defiance can all be signs that someone has become mired in a cycle of drug abuse or dependence. Secrecy and shutting others out who used to be a part of a person’s life are other signs. Of course, if a person has succumbed to the influence of drugs, they often deny that as the problem and project blame for difficulties onto others. Often their anger is directed toward the “safest” targets (i.e., those whom they know love them). Perhaps the most insidious aspect of drug use is that in addition to producing profound changes in a person’s usual personality, it quickly becomes a substitute and ineffective means by which the person attempts to regulate their mood. So, drastic swings of mood and unpredictable outbursts are common.

Your daughter is now 18, and depending on where you live might not be considered a minor. Her behavior certainly does appear out of control, but your unconditional support for her will likely only be “enabling.” It’s time to set solid, firm rules and consequences and to insist that counseling be sought and that the issues be brought out into the open and dealt with. If she is of the legal age where you cannot force the issue, you can at least send the message that you will neither tolerate abuse nor support a dysfunctional lifestyle. You can make it clear that your support is available when she seeks the counseling she needs and gets her life back on track.