Reader’s Question

I’m a middle-aged woman who is generally well-rounded in personality. I have a lot of good qualities. However, I have been trying to understand a basic flaw in my personality that gets me in trouble and that I know is unappealing to others.

Despite how I try not to do it, I find myself falling back into a pattern that includes monopolizing conversations, talking about myself, bragging, and seeming to be a know-it-all. I think I would be better able to control this negative behaviour if I understood why I do it. I remember bragging excessively as a child. My mother bragged about me too.

I want people to be impressed and to like me, but this competitiveness has the opposite effect. If you can help me to understand the root cause of this behaviour and strategies that I can use to avoid it in future, I would appreciate your suggestions.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The tendency to brag, to center conversations around oneself, and to come across as superior to others has a lot to do with one’s self-esteem. Self-esteem has to do with the appraisal one makes of their worth as a person.

It was once thought that people who felt an abnormal urge to brag or draw attention to themselves always felt insecure and unworthy “underneath it all” and therefore tried to “compensate” for feelings of inferiority with behaviors designed to build themselves up. Now we know that individuals can also become too self-focused when they get too overvalued as children and therefore don’t get a balanced sense of their worth.

Some psychologists differentiate between self-esteem and self-respect. Self-esteem derives from our intuitive assessment of our talents, abilities, etc. — in short, what we have going for us. If we’re bright, capable, good-looking, charming, etc., we’re likely to have ample self-esteem.

Self-respect derives from a retrospective assessment of how we have conducted ourselves (the word respect literally means to “look back”). Sometimes, persons with high self-esteem have low self-respect because they’re not proud of how they’ve conducted themselves. So, ironically enough, individuals who don’t have sufficient self-respect often feel tempted to validate themselves by bragging about their abilities.

The way out of the vicious cycle is straightforward. Self-esteem has to do with who you are and self-respect has to do with what you do. Instead of focusing on your abilities, talents, etc., recognize yourself for conducting yourself in a more pro-social way (those times when you curb your urge to focus attention on yourself and instead pay attention to others and tune in to their needs). Give God or nature the credit for your assets but give yourself the credit for disciplining yourself. That’s the key. The problem is not that your mom and you both bragged in your childhood but that you probably made such a big deal about the wrong things. Only how you conduct yourself is worthy of recognition and merit. So, despite the fact that whipping your personality into better shape will be a chore, remember its importance and give yourself credit not only for recognizing the problem, but for all you do to correct it.