My Boyfriend Keeps Drinking While I Try to Handle Everything
Reader’s Question
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and know I should leave him. I do care for him but he seems to depend on me all the time to manage the responsibilities of life. I work two jobs. I also have a son to care for. My boyfriend seems to care about my son, too, but he has a drinking problem. I told him the other day that maybe we shouldn’t be together anymore as we don’t seem to want the same things in life. While I’ve been trying to scrape up the last bit of money we have to buy something for all of us, he’s been wasting it on his drinking habit.
My boyfriend has had a rough life and didn’t grow up with the best of parents. Recently we found a son of his after 10 years because I spent day and night searching online. I thought it was the best thing to do because I believed the reason he drank is because he couldn’t see his kid. But now that they’re reunited, he’s still drinking. I don’t want this child to see the things that I have to witness with his dad drinking. I don’t know what to do.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Although a number of things can contribute to why a person finds solace in alcohol or drugs, substance dependence is a problem in its own right. You might not have to leave, but you certainly must establish some limits when it comes to this behavior and to make it clear that you can’t support his addictive behavior. So, it’s time to insist that he get the help necessary to lead a clean and sober life.
You also use the word “depend” to describe the nature of your boyfriend’s irresponsibility. He may be substance-dependent, indeed, but maintaining that pattern of irresponsibility while you work two jobs and try to carry all the burden for the family is clearly abusive. That’s why it’s so important to set limits. There are some very good support resources out there for family members whose lives have been affected by someone else’s substance abuse. If you are having a hard time defining and establishing appropriate boundaries and limits, it might be a very good idea to avail yourself of some of these resources, many of which are free and make use of good group support.
