Reader’s Question

I’m 20-year-old medical school student. I used to like a girl in my school but I was afraid to let her know my feelings for her. I think I finally let go of the idea of being more than friends and have tried to see her more like a sister or best friend. I’m happy to think that way about her, even though I do things like buying her the chocolate she likes when I go to the supermarket.

Lately I’ve been getting the feeling that she does not even like me. We don’t talk as we have before, and each time I say “Hi” or try to talk to her, she will give me a fake smile. On a day where she doesn’t treat me well, I get depressed and even more obsessed with her. Please tell me how I can win her over as a best friend.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Psychologists and other mental health professionals have long known that communication takes place on many different levels. In fact, in some instances, our non-verbal communications (mannerisms, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.) broadcast messages much more powerful than the words we speak. The chances are that you have been sending signals to this woman that speak louder to her about the kind of relationship you’d like to have than any of the words you have spoken to her. Some of your actions (like buying the chocolates) have probably reinforced these messages. She, on the other hand, is likely sending messages back to you about the level of emotional distance she’d like to have.

When it comes to matters of the heart, most of us can deceive ourselves quite well. We might intellectualize and fantasize about how platonic we think we can be in a relationship and blind ourselves to the underlying reality of our true feelings.

Just because a person might sense that you want more from them than they are prepared to give doesn’t mean they hate your or that you will have no friends. People need to feel safe and to have their boundaries respected. It would probably be a good idea to back off some and give this woman some space. If you’re really okay with just being friends (which at this point does not seem certain by any means), and she wants your friendship as well, the development of your relationship should take its own course.

There is a red flag in your question about your own emotional health in that you state that you become depressed and even more obsessed when things do not appear to go well with this woman. You might want to explore with a counselor just what all the feelings are that contribute to this dilemma and in the process you may gain some valuable insight into any difficulties you’ve been having securing relationships.