Reader’s Question

I am a 50-year-old female and have been married twice. My ex-boyfriend is 54 and was also previously married. We recently broke up after being together for 14 months. I think the main reason for the break-up was that I didn’t set boundaries and limits with my ex-husband.

My ex-husband is very controlling. I think I got so used to being treated the way he treated me that I just couldn’t see all the control and manipulation that was still going on. My ex-boyfriend couldn’t stand the intrusions and the fact that I allowed myself to get walked over without doing something about it. He is very good at setting and maintaining boundaries and found my behavior very frustrating. We had many discussions about boundaries and limits, but it wasn’t until my boyfriend broke up with me that I was finally able to understand all that he had been telling me about my behavior with my ex-husband.

I’ve now gotten better with setting boundaries and limits with both my my ex-husband as well as my two daughters, ages 19 and 20. I know that people become “exes” for good reasons, but I really think my ex-boyfriend and I were very well matched and compatible outside the issues I used to have with boundaries and limits. We were both devastated by the break up and I think we had a strong enough foundation that we can still make this relationship work if we try again. I’m keeping my ex-husband out of my life as much as possible, while recognizing that our daughters will always keep us linked to some degree. My ex-boyfriend and I have kept in contact by phone and email since the breakup, but are not seeing each other. My question is whether getting back together with an ex is ever a good idea that can lead to a successful relationship.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Relationship experts have long agreed that the many of the right ingredients for a great relationship can be present and yet the relationship can’t work out because the “timing” is simply not right. Timing can be less than optimal for a variety of reasons. For example, a young career-oriented individual might be dating a really great person who could make a great life partner, but the time is not right just yet to settle down and raise a family. Also, a person who has some unresolved “issues” that have led them to establish or stay in relationships that were somewhat toxic might not be ready to enter a heavy-duty relationship with someone new until those “issues” have been worked through.

There is no evidence that relationships that weren’t right for a particular time can’t be healthy and lasting when all the right factors are in place. Naturally, the main caveat for you in any relationship would be the concern you yourself say that you have become aware of, namely a history of not taking good enough care of yourself by not setting limits and enforcing boundaries. While it’s most likely that your ex-boyfriend’s motivation to confront these issues had to do with his desire to have a relationship with you that did not include so much involvement with your ex-husband, your motivation to watch the boundaries and limits needs to be to ensure that you neither continue to be “walked on” by your ex-husband and your children nor any person with whom you might have a relationship (patterns do tend to repeat in relationships). So, if you’re reasonably sure that your issues related to poor boundaries and limits (or any other unresolved issues, for that matter) are not causing blind spots in your assessment of the possibilities with your ex-boyfriend as well as his character traits, there’s no reason not to give it another try.