Reader’s Question

I’m a 15-year-old girl, and I am too afraid to sleep alone in my room. So, I go sleep with my mom. I know this is not normal and that I must have a problem. I’m simply too afraid to be by myself. In 3 years I’m going to be an adult. How am I going to be able to live by myself if I haven’t learned to sleep by myself in my own bed by then? My mom suggests that I should go see a therapist but I don’t feel comfortable going there. I tell her that I don’t want to go but she keeps telling me that I have to because it’s a serious matter that I’m not able to sleep on my own at 15. I’m really freaked out. I REALLY DON’T WANT TO GO TO A THERAPIST, especially during summertime, yet I want my fears to stop. Please help because I am very confused about this.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In addition to the fear you describe, all of your complaints seem to center around one issue: the desire to avoid discomfort. Spending your life finding ways to avoid the things you find unpleasant can really stymie your development as a person. Perhaps you can look at it all a bit humorously and yet hopefully. No one on earth has ever died from merely experiencing discomfort. And, on top of that, cultivating the will to bear discomfort — to face your fears and overcome them, to try things you once avoided, etc. — are all great ways to enhance your sense of confidence and self-esteem.

Effective, good therapy would also involve you eventually doing the things you fear to do. An experienced therapist would likely have you do such things incrementally, however, so that you don’t experience overwhelming anxiety at the start. In fact, you might even be asked to “experience” the dreaded situations only in imagination at first. Sometimes, medication can help, too, especially at first. The important thing is, however, to get to a point where you can feel good about being in a situation that used to cause you undue apprehension. What people generally want to avoid is not the situations per se (e.g., their own bed or a visit to a therapist) but the discomfort they’re likely to experience when they’re in that situation. The good news is that the discomfort will steadily wane if you don’t keep allowing yourself to escape from it.

So, it might be a good idea to see a counselor, but doing so is not necessary to overcome your fear. You only need to face the fear to overcome it. And you can do so slowly and incrementally (an hour or two at first, then maybe a day of the week, then slowly more, etc.). Eventually, you’ll find yourself doing what you once thought was impossible. Sometimes, the anxiety will make a “return visit.” It might even seem to you that it is as bad as ever, but that’s only a subjective perception. If the anxiety returns, you simply stay faithful to your program, and in time the anxiety will wane again. After a long enough period, it should disappear forever. The only thing that won’t disappear but will instead positively grow will be your own sense of confidence and self-esteem.