How Can I Overcome the Emotional Toll of Being in an Abusive Relationship?
Reader’s Question
I’d like to know how I can overcome the PTSD of having dealt with a psychopath for the last 7 years. I am getting better after being away from him for about a year now and have been moved to another state. I’m much more aware of the kind of person he is and how he managed to make everything my fault even though that was all a lie. He does the same thing to everyone, and he cycles from rehab to rehab to relapse!
So, I am finally over this guy. The problem seems to be with my ability to start again from the beginning after losing so much time and effort. If I tried to answer my own question I think I would say it is just going to take some more time and self-confidence. Is there anything else I can do? Thanks In advance!
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Your question illustrates a very important point about being in a toxic relationship with anyone who has a significant disturbance of character. Many times, the more responsible person in the relationship will invest considerable time and emotional energy trying to “understand” and trying to make the relationship work. When the stress finally becomes too much to bear, the person is faced not only with the important decision to leave, but also to walk away from a substantial investment. This carries with it a huge sense of loss. Many years ago, I coined the term “slot machine syndrome” to describe this phenomenon. People get lured into remaining engaged with a “one-armed bandit” even though it’s taking all their money because they generally put in a sizeable investment, get some small payback every now and then, and then get duped into the notion that if they just invest a little more they might really get something in return.
You are absolutely right to say that you will need time and self-confidence. But there are some other things you can do to counter the feeling of powerlessness and loss that comes with having invested so much only to feel like you have little to show for it. First, acknowledge the supreme value of your present commitment to take better care of yourself. It might seem trite, but your gestures of self-validation and self-reinforcement are very important to building the self-confidence you rightly say you need. Second, re-frame your learning experience with your ex in a more positive way (even if you don’t believe it in your heart at first). Instead of focusing on what you’ve lost or the time you “wasted,” think of all you’ve gained in wisdom and maturity and what it will mean for your future. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, keep your attention focused where you have power. You don’t have power to change the circumstances of your past, your ex’s behavior, or past decisions. If you’re thinking or ruminating about them, you’ll not only get depressed, but you’ll tie up necessary energy. Instead re-focus on yourself and your choices in the here and now. You have power over your choices and actions. You even have power to change your thoughts (although you might find yourself having to change them frequently for awhile). Then give yourself the kudos necessary to keep on track.
