Reader’s Question

My daughter has thrown away her first year at college by failing the majority of her classes, and she has been asked not to return. She earned a total of 9 credits for the whole year. Even though she knows how opposed to it I am, she has gotten multiple tattoos and is always dying her hair. She constantly lies to me and my ex-husband whom she lives with. My husband and I stand together when it comes to our children and the principles we abide by, however.

My daughter’s apparent journey down a path of self destruction is heart breaking. I don’t know her anymore. She thinks she knows everything, and she refuses to seek counseling. She claims she’s not involved with drugs or alcohol. I have stopped giving her money, and her father gives money in small increments, yet she always has money — partly because she sells her things, even keepsakes.

Sometimes I think she is merely seeking attention, but from whom? She is 19 but dates younger men and acts like she is younger herself.

The daughter I once new was a sweet, smart, caring, person. But this girl seems mad at everything. I think she is trying to escape her own self, but I don’t really even understand what that means for sure. My biggest fear is that she will have to hit rock bottom before she would ever realize the harm she’s been doing or come to us for help.

I feel so sad and lost. I want to understand her and help her but have no idea what to do.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Children rebel against the values they once appeared to have for a variety of reasons. They also tend to have their rebellious stages at different times. Children also display what appear to be self-defeating and convention-defying behaviors for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes, they are indeed seeking attention. Sometimes, they are simply attempting to assert independence by parting company (at least for a time) with all that they have known or adhered to in the past. Some children rebel at a relatively later stage in life, especially if they’ve not really “tested” their independence in earlier years. Sometimes children who appear to abandon all their principles are “acting-out” an anger rooted in depression because they did not feel successful getting the level of love and approval they sought when were playing the role of the good child. Sometimes, children even entertain the fantasy that they can re-unite their separated or divorced parents if they cause them enough grief. Other times, they are simply trying to find their own way and don’t really mean to be a pain to the ones they love.

When children go through such a period, it’s always hard on parents. Parents can end up feeling fairly powerless and often spend a good deal of time ruminating about what might become of their child. The two things that matter most, not only for helping your child get through such a time but also for helping her ultimately to achieve success in life are:

• to make it clear that your love and affection for her is completely unconditional and always available, and
• to make it clear that your support (including financial support) and approval of her behavior is conditional (i.e., depends upon her adherence to the values you always endorsed or promoted for her own well-being).

Always leave the door to your heart as well as the communication lines open. She will eventually find her way, and like many others before her, she will probably need to find her own way.