Reader’s Question

I’ve been married for 5 years now. I love my wife and I think she’s a stunning woman. I often let her know beautiful I think she is, but she thinks I’m joking when I do.

The main problem is that I have a wild, uncontrollable attraction to women who dress in a sexy way. During the first years, my wife would occasionally oblige me and dress in a sexy manner. This brought me to cloud nine and really enhanced our sex life. However, in the last couple of years, she got steadily more tired of doing it and eventually stopped doing it altogether.

The fact that my wife won’t dress in a sexy way for me anymore makes me feel hurt and let down. I’m always making efforts to please her, yet she now refuses to indulge me in that one way. It seems like other women enjoy spending hours getting dolled up for their boyfriends or husbands. And other men seem to have no trouble getting their wives and girlfriends to look sexy. What’s their secret?

Our sex life is dead now. We haven’t had sex for months. She blames me for being too much of a freak. She says she should be enough for me, without the “accessories” I want her to wear. She is probably hurt by this and I understand that in a way, but how can she blame me for what appeals to me? Would it hurt her so much to wear something sexy once in a while? This is our sad situation now. Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Appreciating how a woman looks when she is dressed in a becoming manner is no problem at all. Neither is it a problem to “spice up” romantic interludes from time to time with anything that is a turn-on. But you describe a “wild, uncontrollable, attraction” to provocatively-dressed females. Although it’s not possible to make a thorough and accurate assessment here, any interest that is so intense or “uncontrollable” is a fairly significant red flag for other issues. You also indicate that your wife would like you to be able to gain sexual satisfaction with her without the “accessories” that sometimes make her think of you as a “freak,” and you say you understand her feeling this way, even though you still want to be “indulged.” This is again a significant red-flag for the possibility of a fetish or other unusual sexual interest that might actually be interfering with your ability to gain sexual satisfaction in other ways as well as interfering with your ability to achieve a deeper level of intimacy in your relationship.

You also suggest that your situation is different from most other relationships where the women like to get “dolled-up.” But while it is certainly normal for a woman to want to look good when she dresses, it’s also very normal for a woman to want to feel like she is desired for more reasons than the way she happens to look when sexily clad. The fact that you say that without being “indulged” like you prefer, your sex life is now “dead” indicates that you and your wife are prime candidates for relationship intimacy counseling. And even though you are correct to say that you are not to blame for the kinds of things that innately have always excited you, if you love your wife as you assert you do, it is your responsibility to do your part in taking your relationship to a level of intimacy and mutual desire that surpasses simply having primal urges or sexual fantasies gratified. Who knows, if your relationship reaches such a level, your wife might feel much better about “indulging” your particular sexual interests from time to time.