My Husband Seems too Involved with His Ex-Wife
Reader’s Question
I recently married a man who has two children from a previous marriage. I have tried to develop a cordial relationship with my husband’s ex-wife, to no avail. I try to strike up conversations on the phone, but she won’t even speak to me. She doesn’t want anything to do with me. However, she calls my husband up to five times a day and most of the time for what I feel are unnecessary reasons. She claims the calls always involve the children but I know this is not the case because I’ve been present several times when she calls him. My husband also runs errands for her. One thing I find really odd is that on her work days (she works late evenings), he stays at her house to babysit, then falls asleep there and wakes up later to come home. He and his ex-wife do not appear to have considered a babysitter a viable option. I have tried to address these things many times with my husband, but nothing changes and he accuses me of over-reacting. We have had several major arguments over what seems to me to be his over-involvement with his ex-wife, and I am at my wits’ end. I’m already thinking about either getting counseling or seeking a divorce because I don’t feel my husband is giving our relationship priority over his continuing relationship with his ex. I am constantly feeling betrayed and suspicious. I’d appreciate any advice or insight.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
For a variety of reasons, not the least of which have to do with the children they share, your husband and his ex-wife will always maintain some kind of relationship. While it is not possible to accurately assess your situation remotely, it is quite clear from your statement that you are already contemplating counseling or even divorce that what is at greatest issue is not so much the relationship of your husband with his ex-wife, but the nature of his relationship with you. Rightly or wrongly, you don’t seem to feel that he affords your relationship priority and is either manipulated into or willingly engages in a level of involvement with his ex-wife that is unhealthy for the survival of your marriage. Counseling could definitely be a vehicle for you to address your concerns. However, in the end, you will still need to set some limits and make your legitimate needs heard and respected. It is natural for behaviors such as habitually “falling asleep at a former lover’s home” and coming home later to evoke some feelings of suspiciousness and possible betrayal even if there’s nothing more going on. So, whether or not you seek counseling, you’ll probably need to set some reasonable limits with respect to that kind of behavior. If your legitimate requests do not get met with understanding and respect, you’ll gain some good insight into the true status of your relationship.
