Is My Boyfriend Using His Medical Conditions to Avoid Sex with Me?
Reader’s Question
I have been in a relationship with my partner for seven years. I am 55 and he is 50. For the first five years we lived apart quite happily. I had just been divorced and had children at home. We saw each other on weekends and other times, enjoyed each other’s company very much, and had a happy and regular sex life. About four years ago my partner was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. He initially took oral medication and adhered to a diet. However, he soon became more random in taking the tablets, and reverted to a diet high in sugar and fats. He also smokes about 40 cigarettes a day. He has lost a lot of weight, and I know his blood sugar is often high, even though he now refuses to test his blood.
We had to avoid sex when my partner developed thrush, but I thought that situation was only temporary. However, the last time we had sex was over three years ago. After a lot of urging on my part, he said he has difficulty getting an erection, and has lost interest in sex as well. He says he doesn’t “feel right” engaging in some form of sexual activity just to please me. I’ve talked to him repeatedly about my concerns for our relationship, his health and my unhappiness, but he avoids doctor appointments and is not taking care of himself.
I still love this man and he is affectionate with me, but we rarely kiss or embrace, and I miss physical contact with him very much. I’m beginning to wonder if he is not using his medical condition as an excuse to avoid having sex with me because I am no longer attractive to him. I want the relationship to work and to have a normal sex life like before. What can I do?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Because it’s impossible to have all the relevant facts, and because your partner’s situation is confounded by significant physical illness as well as lifestyle factors, it’s impossible to make an accurate assessment of your circumstances remotely. But there are some definite possibilities to consider. Although Diabetes itself can be a source of sexual difficulties, especially erectile dysfunction, a loss of interest in usual activities, loss of sexual interest, lack of interest in appropriate self-care, decreased motivation and over-reliance on old addictive patterns for relief of emotional tension can all be indications that your partner may be struggling with some level of depression.
It’s long been known that there is some kind of link between Type II Diabetes and depression. In fact, recent research conducted at the University of Connecticut demonstrates that depression is a direct risk factor for Type II Diabetes, although it isn’t known what exact role lifestyle factors (e.g., bad diet and nutrition, use of harmful substances) that typically accompany both Diabetes and depression play in increasing the risk of either condition.
You may have to continue doing some cajoling at first, and may even have to take a tougher stand. But if you love this man, you probably need to strongly advocate that he stay regular in his medical care and that he also gets evaluated for his emotional and mental state. If depression does turn out to be a factor and he is successfully treated for it, you’re likely to see him not only get back on track with respect to his other health issues but also to restore the level of vitality you used to enjoy in your relationship with him.
