Reader’s Question

I’m 25-years-old. Unlike all my friends, I rarely find myself in a relationship. If I do have a relationship, it usually doesn’t last longer than 6 or 7 months.

I wonder whether my relationships are affected by my past. I was 15 when I realized that the one man who paid attention to me, my uncle, was not interested in me because he was a concerned family member but because he was interested in me for sexual reasons. I know this to be the case because he was trying to fit his tongue into my mouth, when I was pretending to be asleep. Other things happened as well. I don’t have anything to do with him anymore. What I want to know is if my experience with him can affect me long term, and if so, how?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The effects of sexual abuse on victims are fairly well-known. Yet, there are some variables that appear to affect the severity of problems experienced by those who have been abused.

Common problems that affect sexual abuse victims include:

• Conflicted feelings surrounding the betrayal of trust
• Damage to feelings of self-worth and self-esteem
• Fears of intimacy
• Inappropriate feelings of guilt or self-blame
• Loss of innocence
• Premature sexual awakening or “sexualization”
• A wide variety of emotional and behavioral symptoms including anxiety, depression, isolation, intimacy-avoidance, sexualized “acting-out,” etc.

The nature and severity of the kinds of problems abuse victims experience vary and appear linked to factors such as:

• The age and maturity level of the child when the abuse occurred
• The nature of the relationship between the child and the abuser
• The type of sexual abuse endured
• The degree of intrusiveness and force involved
• The kind of support system available to the victim, especially when he or she discloses

Most abuse victims experience some degree of inner turmoil capable of affecting their relationships, especially potentially intimate relationships. However, many times these issues can be adequately addressed and resolved with appropriate therapeutic intervention. A stumbling block for some abuse victims is the fact that the therapeutic relationship itself is necessarily an intimate encounter which has to have trust as its principal foundation. Further, some victims seem to be able to overcome the scars of their abuse without counseling, especially if have strong, stable support systems available to them. Nonetheless, appropriate counseling has proven to be of significant value to many victims trying to put their lives back together and resolve their emotional conflicts.

So, whether you avail yourself of trusted friends, family, etc. or seek formal counseling, it’s important to address whatever psychological damage might have been done and examine its potential effects on your relationships. It’s also important to remember that you were in no way responsible for what happened to you even though you are the only one with the power to address and deal with the issues the abuse may have raised.