Reader’s Question

My boyfriend just broke up with me last month. We had been together for almost 3 years. He told me he is not “in love” with me anymore and that I should “move on.” But we continue to see each other and to be sexually intimate with each other. So basically, it’s like nothing really happened except that supposedly we don’t have a future together. How can I move on when he still holds his arms out to me for sex and companionship?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From what you’ve said, your boyfriend has told you he does not want a committed relationship with you, and you are not the one to whom he wants to give his heart. He’s willing to enjoy your companionship when necessary and will gladly have sex with you if you’re willing, but he doesn’t love you or want to share his life with you forever. If you’re comfortable with this kind of “friends with benefits” arrangement, it’s no wonder that he might be comfortable with it, too.

Ultimately, you have to decide whether you’re really okay with providing companionship and intimacy without some hope that your relationship with this guy will go to a deeper level. It’s highly likely that he suggested that you should move on because he is ready to do the same. So, there’s the definite possibility that once he becomes involved with someone else, you’ll be left holding the bag.

This doesn’t really appear a very complicated situation. The bigger question might be why you might be willing to accept the situation as it is, given the fact that you appear to want something much more. You might want to do some soul-searching about that or possibly even talk with a counselor about it. In the end, however, you’ll have the kind of relationship that you define, characterized by the limits and boundaries you set.