Reader’s Question

I recently completed a personality profile. The results indicate that I am a perfectionist. I am aware of the various theories that state that personality is shaped by both biological and social factors. My question is to what extent can people actually change the kind of person they are? I am very invested in my own personal development, but I want to have realistic expectations of what I can achieve. My main goal is to become more assertive, more comfortable socially, more self-accepting, and less preoccupied with getting approval from others. To what extent can I achieve these goals and make changes to my personality? Thanks in advance for your response.

P.S. Your work is no doubt helping hundreds of people lead happier and healthier lives. For this, you and everyone at CounsellingResource.com are to be commended. Thank you.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I’m very grateful for your question. I just posted an article on Personality Disorders (see: Is There Any Hope for a Personality Disorder?) in which some similar questions were addressed. But your inquiry gives me a chance to elaborate a bit more.

Almost all schools of thought agree that the sincere desire to change, along with positive expectation of results, are the best indicators that you will succeed in your personal development ambitions. So, you’ve already taken the first and most important step.

With respect to personality issues, there is a difference between the various “traits” that cluster together to form a person’s personality, and the inflexible and maladaptive thinking and behavioral patterns that characterizes a personality “disorder.” In the case of some personality disorders, the personality traits that accompany the disorder are so intense, so inflexible, and so deeply ingrained that they’re almost impossible to modify. But most of the time this is not true. For most personalities, even though we tend to stick with our preferred ways of doing things, we are still amenable to change. What’s more, not all of our personality traits necessarily need changing, and some traits are very desirable in certain situations. For example, if I need delicate brain surgery, I’m probably going to appreciate a surgeon who is a self-described “perfectionist” cutting away around my neurons!

You have obviously given some thought to certain aspects of your personality that you’d like to modify. All of the things that you indicate you’d like to change are very amenable to learning. Despite the fact that some of your natural tendencies might make the task challenging, you can indeed learn to be more assertive, to be less anxious and socially comfortable, and to be more self-accepting.

Human beings are above all else distinguished by their capacity to learn. There was a time not long ago when effective techniques for helping people develop or change aspects of their personality didn’t really exist. Since the advent of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), however, all that’s changed. We now have very effective ways to help people change patterns of behavior as well as the beliefs and patterns of thinking that contribute to them. Those same beliefs and patterns of thinking affect our emotions, too. So, people can also learn to be less anxious, to be less emotionally volatile, etc.

As I said before, you’ve already made a great start because the two most important ingredients for changing are your desire and positive outlook. The other ingredient is a trusting, supportive rapport with someone who can help guide you through the process. So, take heart. It appears you’re already on your way to achieving your goal.