My Husband’s Online Flirtations are Killing Me
Reader’s Question
I really don’t know what to do anymore! My husband frequently gets online and talks to different girls. He tells them how gorgeous they are and flirts with them. He never flatters me with the kind of talk he does online. He also tells these girls that he has messed around on me and that making love to me is boring. He also tells them he is looking for something else!
Part of me wants to leave this guy because of this behavior. But a part of me wants to stay, mostly because I don’t have a car, money or a place to go! I need some advice about what to do.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Of course, giving direct advice is really not possible because of the lack of sufficient firsthand information. But it seems clear from the things that you’ve said that a healthy intimate relationship with your husband is not possible under current circumstances. It’s understandable that you feel somewhat trapped by the fact that you have few resources of your own. But that is a situation that you can definitely remedy. And, perhaps you will be able to determine with more clarity what issues you need to confront and what limits you have to set once you’re in a better position to take care of yourself.
It’s impossible to nurture a deep, meaningful relationship while such intimacy-threatening activities are going on. The two are simply not compatible. In the end you will have to make some choices about what it is you want and need in a relationship. Before that, you will need to reckon with the personal issues you have that have engendered your rather dependent position in this marriage. Your husband appears to have some issues to address as well. But only he can decide whether his relationship with you is valuable enough to him to address those issues and resolve them for the sake of your marriage. It’s incumbent on you to take the first step towards wresting yourself out of your dependent position. Only then will you be able to see more clearly what would need to change in order for your marriage (or any relationship for that matter) to have the intimacy and fidelity you seek.
