Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I chatted online for a full year before we started dating. He knew that I had a daughter from a prior relationship and seemed okay with it. Now a month into dating, he says he has a hard time accepting my daughter. He also hates my ex and can’t even stand the thought of his being a part of my daughter’s and my life.

My boyfriend says he really loves me a lot, and I sense this is true when we’re together. It seems that generally we have a great relationship and communicate well with one another. I would say we are really pretty perfect together except for the fact that he can’t seem to accept that I have a child and was in a relationship before. He says he likes my daughter but knowing that she’s somebody else’s feels wrong to him. He said I deserve somebody who will love every part of me, and he doesn’t think he can love this child the way he’s supposed to. I don’t expect him to be a father to my daughter because her father is still involved in her life. But I want him to at least accept her.

Am I being selfish here? I love him a lot. He is not only my boyfriend but also my friend. I can’t understand how he would give up on “us” just because he can’t accept my daughter. He said he’s tried to accept things but it’s only getting worse. Part of me knows that there is trouble here and that I’m probably trying to postpone the inevitable. But I’m not ready to give up.

Do you have any advice on how to help my boyfriend accept my daughter? I know my daughter should come first but I think I deserve to be happy and I’ve never felt so connected to anyone before.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You indicate a very high degree of awareness about a lot of things. You say you’re aware that when your relationship was nothing more than internet chat, your boyfriend seemed to have no problem with the fact that you had a prior relationship and a daughter. You also say you’re aware that as the relationship progressed to a new level, this man openly shared with you the difficulty he has even accepting the facts that there was another person in your life and that you have a child that can never be his biologically. You also say you’re aware that there can never really be a healthy relationship between you unless he can accept all of you. You also seem to imply that your boyfriend is the kind of person who can’t handle the thought that he isn’t the sole possessor of you and your history. Finally, you say you’re aware that you really need to make your daughter’s welfare a priority when making decisions about the kind of relationship you’re really looking for. In short, you have an abundance of awareness but have asked for “advice.”

Despite all the awareness you have, it seems you can’t give up the notion that you ought to be able to have something you think will make you “happy” (despite the litany of issues you present which quite clearly indicate otherwise), and you justify your position by insisting — despite a mound of evidence to the contrary — that you actually feel a deeper “connection” to this person than you’ve ever felt to anyone else before. In short, you appear to want something your better judgment tells you is most likely not the right thing for you to pursue. It would be hard to imagine that this is the first time in your life that you have found yourself in this kind of predicament. Failing to heed our own better judgment is generally how we get ourselves into trouble, especially in our relationships. Sometimes we simply have to deny ourselves something we think we want and concede to reason in order to do right by ourselves and the ones we love. That’s what mature, adult life is all about. We can stomp and scream and complain that we can’t have our cake and eat it too, but reality remains what it is.

My best advice to you might be that you demonstrate some respect for the abundant awareness you already have and pay heed to that voice in your head that appears to know and want the best course for you and your daughter.