Reader’s Question

My brother is married and has 4 children: 3 girls and a boy. The children are 11, 10, 9 and 7. The boy is the youngest because my brother really wanted a son, and they kept trying until they had one. While four kids seems like a handful to me, they managed until last fall when he lost his well-paying job. His wife was working part-time but lost her job in January. My brother has since gotten a couple lower paying jobs to allow the family to survive. I haven’t been able to offer much more than moral support since I’m just getting by myself.

One of the things I have noticed since after Christmas is that the boy has been wearing what looks like girls’ clothes, obviously hand-me-downs from his sisters. Let’s be clear here, he’s not wearing skirts or dresses — although some of the clothes and socks are of colors that are typically for girls as opposed to boys to wear.

Since my brother is working long hours, I have been trying to spend more time with my nieces and nephew as a means of helping my sister-in-law now that the kids are out of school. Last week I took my sister-in-law and the kids to the local community pool, and the 7-year-old went with me to the men’s changing room. While changing into our bathing suits I was disturbed to find he was wearing girls’ underwear/briefs. I said nothing about it, and just quickly and discretely bundled his clothing in with mine into a locker. I wanted to mention it to my sister-in-law, but I didn’t want to embarrass her so I let it go.

Which brings me to my question: how long can this go on before it starts having a psychological impact on the boy? My brother and his wife are good parents, and the boy is remarkably well-balanced and well-behaved. I’ve never heard him complain or remark about his clothing, but then again I’m not around all the time. He also idolizes his older sisters, so he may even like that he gets to dress like they do, but this is only my speculation.

I’m reticent to say anything since I know this family is under financial pressures. I’d love to buy the boy a new wardrobe, but I don’t have the money; nor do I think my brother and sister-in-law would tolerate an unsolicited hand-out. Since my nephew will be spending the summer in shorts, t-shirts and flip-flops anyway, I’m not too concerned for now. However, he will soon outgrow whatever boys’ clothes he has left, and school is coming in the fall. Should I just wait and hope their financial circumstances improve and the clothing situation resolves itself, or should I risk upsetting them by mentioning it? Will this cause any long term psychological damage or gender confusion to the boy? Might intervention become necessary?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not that uncommon especially for children to cross-dress, and several studies have looked examined whether cross-dressing can lead to psychological problems, including gender confusion. Although most of the studies have examined cross-dressing that occurred voluntarily at the initiation of the young person, no study has shown a link between cross-dressing per se and gender identity disturbance. The biggest environmental factors influencing gender identity appear to center around the availability of a same-sex role model and an emotional climate in which the child can identify and bond with a person of the same sex. But even in situations where same sex role models are largely absent or evoke apprehension with respect to identifying with them, there seems to be no clear link with gender identity issues or with sexual orientation for that matter. Situations in which a child is not only cross-dressed but in other ways is also treated like and raised like a person of the opposite sex, can, however, create gender identity disturbance.

The most likely case with the situation you describe is that there is nothing major to worry about. It would be important, however, for this young man’s father to be available to him and to be a major part of his life, despite the fact that times are tough and he’s working two jobs. Also, as this young man gets older, for a variety of reasons, it would probably not be a good idea for him to be regularly clothed with items of a distinctively feminine character.