Reader’s Question

My boyfriend is in the army and is now deployed in Iraq. I met him online when he was still in Germany, and we’ve been in love with each other for 3 years now. A few months into our relationship, I found out he had a girlfriend in the US. He said he didn’t love her anymore and would break up with her for me. I found out later that he didn’t tell her about me, but told her he couldn’t be with her anymore because he didn’t want to hurt her. Later, I found out that when he went to visit family in the US, he kissed her and gave her a necklace.

Every time I find out something new about what he is still doing with this girl, we fight. It’s hard to trust him anymore. He has told me he would tell his family about me but when he came to Germany to visit them I found out that he didn’t tell them. After that, he disappeared, for six months, and I couldn’t reach him after trying through one of his friends. Then, he sent me an email with his phone number in Iraq and said he wanted to hear my voice. When I asked him if he wanted to break up or if he still loved me, he first said he couldn’t answer just yet. Later, he said that the whole crazy situation we were in was my fault because I’m jealous and don’t trust him. I’ve talked to him since about his level of commitment but he says he’s not sure “if he needs love” right now. I’m hanging on, waiting for him to say “Yes, I still want us to be together” or “No, I want to break up.” To top it off, he’s disappeared again and hasn’t answered my calls. I feel depressed all the time and never stop thinking about him. I keep reading our old conversations. I don’t know why he’s doing this and I don’t know what to do anymore. If he breaks up with me, I’d just die… I love him so much. What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s really uncertain exactly what your question is. You’ve asked him if he really loves you and wants a relationship, and he either doesn’t answer or says he’s “not sure.” You say you can’t trust him and from what you’ve reported, it’s clear why you shouldn’t. Yet you also say you’ll die “if” he breaks up with you, even though it’s pretty obvious he’s never committed to you in the first place. So it’s clear you have some serious problems, but it also appears that your so-called boyfriend is the least of them. The main problems appear to center around your own emotional issues and concerns that are keeping you embroiled in such a dysfunctional relationship. Before you even consider carrying this “relationship” any further, or getting involved in any another relationship, it would probably be a good idea to visit a counselor and sort out your conflicted feelings and unmet needs. Otherwise you might jump from the proverbial frying pan into the fire.