Reader’s Question

I have known and been good friends with my boyfriend for 5 years, and we have been dating exclusively for almost 10 months. We recently broke up for a time but have gotten back together. My parents and family got involved in the situation leading to the breakup. Things were blown way out of proportion at that time, and they are now against my being with him.

This is a really stressful situation for me and my boyfriend. My parents only heard half of the story behind all of the drama we went through at the time of the breakup. Now, they refuse to listen to the rest of the story and refuse to give my boyfriend a second chance. My parents want me to go see a counselor and my boyfriend is freaking out about this. He says it’s my dad’s way of controlling me from afar. He also says that it’s just going to cause problems. We are perfectly happy and don’t fight at all now until something comes up about my family. He says he is genuinely happy with me and our relationship until I start doing what others tell me to do. The problem is, I don’t feel comfortable telling my parents to simply get out of my life, and I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or not.

I feel torn and crazy. I want everyone just to get along. I’m sick of my boyfriend telling me that my family is crazy, and I’m sick of hearing my family say that my boyfriend is crazy. I’m 21 years old and I feel like I should be able to make decisions on my own, but no one else thinks I can. If I don’t go to a counselor, my parents will be mad at me — and if I do go my boyfriend will be mad at me, and we will probably end up fighting constantly about it. I don’t know what to do; I feel like I have lost control of the situation and I don’t even know what I want anymore.

I’m guess I’m looking for advice on how to handle my parents and whether I need to see a counselor. I don’t want to push my parents out of my life, but I want them to give my boyfriend a second chance. I’d also like some advice about whether to go through with my appointment with the counselor.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You say you want to be in control of your life, but it also appears you are unable or unwilling to adequately weigh your best interests and make some decisions. You also indicate that “something” happened to cause your entire family great concern, yet you never mention what “it” was and assert only that there is “another side” to the story. You have known your parents and family longer than your boyfriend. You alone would know whether they are the kind of people so determined to control you that they are making an unnecessary mountain out of a molehill just to keep you in tow. The other possibility is, of course, that no matter what “the other side of the story” is, whatever happened was serious enough to raise your family’s concern for your welfare and that your lovesick blindness to it is driving them to pressure you to seek counseling. Your boyfriend’s reaction to even the prospect of counseling seems more than a bit suspect, I must say. What would be the potential harm? Would the counselor necessarily be an “ally” of your parents, joining in a conspiracy with your family to control your life and keep you away from your boyfriend? That would seem highly unlikely.

Although I cannot possibly make an accurate assessment of your situation, some things definitely appear unspoken and greatly suspect here. And you don’t really seem to trust your own judgment or you would have made a decision already. So, I don’t see how a visit to a counselor could hurt. The counselor might just give your relationship her or his blessing. On the other hand, the experience might end up shattering some delusions you’ve been maintaining about the nature of your circumstances.