Reader’s Question

I’m an engineer working in the Middle East. I’m 27 and still a virgin. I have never had a serious girlfriend. All the girls I have wooed (4 girls) rejected me. I think the reason must be that women find me sexually unattractive due to my excessive skinniness. I also think the girls think that such a frail person would be a partner incapable of protecting them. I’m 5′ 9″ tall but only weigh a little over 50 kilos. My body build is ‘extremely’ ectomorphic. Blame it on heredity, environment, and poor eating habits. For whatever reason, I just cannot seem to change my fate.

I have tried everything to gain weight and musculature but injecting artificial fats into my body. I eat 6 meals a day, work out at a gym, and have taken food supplements for 2 years. Nothing seems to work. I went to my physician, who said that I’m perfectly healthy. My testosterone level is normal. I’ve been advised that I should simply wait for the right girl. But I’m nearing 30, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in solitude.

I’m not a social recluse, either. I have lots of friends of both sexes, And I’m not ‘bad’ looking. It’s just that women seem to think I cannot “protect” them…they somewhat feel insecure. I do understand this; that’s why I can’t pass their “friend” zone. I actually proposed to the last girl I dated, but she didn’t accept. Some of my friends recommended I go to a brothel just to get some sexual experience, but I’m a Christian and I don’t engage in casual sex. I don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, and rarely have alcohol in my system.

It’s a miracle that I haven’t killed myself. I’m lonely and don’t know what to do. Should I think about the monastery? Priesthood? Or should I just go to Tijuana and buy a euthanasic drug to go away peacefully? I’m at my wits’ end and looking for any advice.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s understandable that you feel badly about your situation. It’s likely, however, that your condition has both a physical as well as psychological component.

While you report going to your doctor and that he found you “perfectly healthy,” it’s still important to rule out the many possible medical reasons why you’ve found it hard to add musculature or gain weight. Your doctor should know about all you’ve been doing to try and beef up and he might in fact refer you to a specialist.

The psychological aspects of your situation are primarily twofold. First, you report symptoms suggestive of depression. It would do you well to explore this with a competent mental health professional and determine any need you might have for treatment. Second, your report that all the girls who have “rejected you” as a sexual partner or lover have done so because they would be unable to feel “protected” by you is very much suspect. Indeed, there are many women who do not feel a particular need to be protected by men, even in your culture. So, your assumption that this must be the underlying reason for your problem suggests that you might be engaging in a sort of “self-fulfilling prophesy” in that regard (I have a prior post dealing with this: Will My Insecurities Make My Worst Fears Come True?). If that’s the case, your belief that women necessarily want a man who is big and strong to protect them might lead you unconsciously to behave in a manner that broadcasts a message that you are not suitable marriage material, thereby “inviting” their “rejection.” It also might be possible that because you are so concerned about finding a life partner, you might unconsciously either fail to recognize or sabotage other possibilities for intimacy and companionship. So, it would be advisable in any case to visit with a counselor or therapist.

Although you indicate that you work out, eat, and take supplements, nutritionists advise those who are chronically underweight and want to gain weight to:

• Drink natural fruit juices and other energy-rich drinks that won’t fill you up but give your body fuel.
• Eat calorie-rich foods such as starchy grains and vegetables.
• Avoid saturated, harmful fats but otherwise don’t skimp on healthy fats like those found in nuts, avocados, fish, and olives.
• Eat before bedtime. Be sure however, not to eat foods that are overly spicy or that might cause you indigestion.

It might just turn out that nature has the last word here and that you might need to become much more comfortable with the fact that you are destined to be thin. And, if you can truly accept yourself for who you are, surely you will find a mate who will also love and accept you as you are. So, unless you believe you have a genuine “calling,” to the religious life, stay away from the monastery and the seminary. And by all means, don’t go to Tijuana for the wrong reasons. Double-check for any medical issues and talk to someone who can help you overcome your depression and deal with any self-defeating behaviors that stem from your dislike of your situation.