Reader’s Question

I would just like to get some advice if I can. I feel as if neither one of my parents really wants or loves me. My mom and dad both drink a lot. My mom used to leave us home alone or with some random drunk person she barely knew. My dad would do the same thing. My mom left my dad when I was about 3 years old and my brothers and I were really raised by my grandma. My parents had 5 kids but they never give us anything. They only drink and do as they please. They don’t act like parents at all. When I try to visit my mother or ask her for a little money she gets mad and says to go make my own way. I am 16 years old. I just would like to have normal parents. But I don’t even know what’s normal. Drinking has always come first in my parents’ life. My mom has told me many times that I was a mistake and that she doesn’t want us. I’m not asking for pity, just advice.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There’s a big difference between what’s “normal” and what’s healthy. Normal literally means what the majority of people do. Unfortunately, there are many irresponsible people out there. And, also, unfortunately, there is this disease called alcoholism that can wreak havoc in the lives of all the members of a family, especially the children. Alcoholism is a very serious disease and a primary cause of family dysfunction. When a family is dysfunctional and the parents don’t act like parents should, many times the children end up being the most responsible members of the family system. Things get turned upside-down. But being exposed to all of the craziness that sometimes accompanies such family dysfunction is not without its effects on children either. So, many children of alcoholics need the support and guidance of some responsible folks who are “outside” the dysfunctional family system.

You are not alone in your bewilderment or your circumstances. And, fortunately there are abundant support groups available to children of alcoholics. The best thing is that most of the time these groups are free of charge and there are usually one or two within easy reach. So, my advice is to seek out one of these groups and in time, after “working the program,” it will become more apparent to you what a healthier way of living is all about. This is extremely important because it’s also “normal” (though unhealthy) for children of alcoholics to repeat many of the dysfunctional patterns they became overly familiar with in their families. Help is available for your parents, too. But you have no power over whether or when they might seek it. Many folks have to “hit bottom” emotionally, physically, and spiritually before they come to a place where they might truly break their addiction.

You may never have the mother or father you always wanted, but you will certainly want your children to have healthy parents to love and guide them. So seek out a support group in your area today.