Reader’s Question

I am a 23-year-old female who has recently come to the realization that I probably need some professional advice to help find some direction in my life. I am very aware that I have been struggling with “daddy issues” as well as issues related to trust and commitment much of my life. I can also see most of the reasons of these problems but I don’t know how to overcome them.

I grew up with a stepfather who married my mom when I was 2 years old. My sister was born two years later. It always seemed to me that his relationship with my sister was just more warm and natural than the one with me. I never got the right amount of emotional support and attention that I think would have made me happier as a child. When I was 16 I met my biological father for the first time. He was making the same mistake as my stepfather because he was paying more attention to his own younger daughter instead of focusing on building a new relationship with me. Although my relationship with my father is great today, I think my “daddy issues” had a bad effect on my love life.

In my relationships with men, I always pick the “players” or “bad boys.” I think I have to impress them even when they know my good qualities (e.g., I’m educated, pretty, funny, etc.). They end up leaving me because they never really cared. So, I don’t trust anybody anymore. I consider the “good guys” and those who flatter me “boring” and never want to commit to them. I want to have a family one day, and I am afraid I will never be able to have a healthy relationship and might miss the “right guy” and cheat myself out of the chance.

How can I break this pattern?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Q: Although it’s not really possible to assess your situation completely just on the information you’ve provided, you make several interesting points that are worthy of comment.

You demonstrate a fairly high degree of insight already into the nature of your problems. You indicate that for much of your life you wanted more intimacy from your stepfather and that for a part of your life you wanted more attention from your natural father. Yet you say that you shun those you know are more likely to provide you with the intimacy, fidelity, and attention you seek because you find such persons “boring.” You also say that you are naturally drawn to “bad boys” because they are more interesting and because you feel the need to impress them.

While a traditional explanation for your difficulties might propose that because of your “issues” with regard to trust and intimacy, you naturally fear and therefore run away from situations most likely to lead to a trusting, intimate relationship, there are some other possibilities for you to consider. Unless there is a lot more to this story, the likelihood is that your “daddy issues” don’t fully or satisfactorily explain your self-defeating cycle of being drawn to the wrong kind of man. You might want to examine whether you have a fairly natural preference for excitement, novelty, and stimulation as well as a tendency to seek attention from others. This is a personality trait that is strong in some people and has received much examination in recent years; it can be a major factor in impairing a person’s ability to form the deeper-level relationships that are likely to last.

Although they are not easy to change or modulate, personality traits of one type or another can be dealt with. The “how” of this has to do with persistence, patience, and frequent “practice” of behaviors that don’t come naturally. So, you would have to spend more time around and getting to know the men you say you instinctively find “boring,” giving yourself a chance to discover the emotional world you insist you were denied and were starving for as a child. You would also likely benefit from the support and guidance of a counselor. Developing a trusting and growth-fostering therapeutic relationship is a lot like developing the other kinds of relationships in life that breed intimacy and trust.

You already have a good deal of insight, so that’s a great start. But you’re also a good example of why insight in and of itself does not equal “cure” of one’s psychological issues. To really grow and change, it takes steadfast work and commitment — as “boring” as that might sound.