Reader’s Question

First, please forgive my weakness in writing. English isn’t my first language. [Note: this post has been significantly edited.]

I’m 21 years old and a 5th year medical student. My problem is that I’m not able to achieve anything on my list of things that are important to me. I actually know what’s wrong in my life and what needs to be done in order to change, but I can’t seem to make myself do it.

My life has always gone between three periods: a period of self-awakening, a period of falling down and not achieving, and a period of guilt over my failures. It’s very predictable. I’m aware of it when it’s happening, but I can’t seem to make use of the awareness to keep myself from the periods of going down. Instead, I will seek attention and support from others. I’m not the type of attention seeker who would harm herself or do anything just to get attention when I’m in a period of personal failure. But the way I talk, walk, work, study, and react much of the time is more to get the acceptance of others as opposed to really satisfying myself. I suppose that’s why I can never really find creativity in my life. I have no patience, wanting results without giving hard work a chance. I get easily stressed out and lack concentration and persistence. I get distracted very easily. I always have goals and ideals and deeply want to achieve, but they remain only wishes and words in papers that I never put into action.

I’m jealous of those people who have the same potential as I do yet are doing much better. I feel like I can’t compete because I’m too lazy to work hard in order to be the first. I do believe that I have what is needed to be successful, but I lack the power to put it into practice and don’t really seem to believe in myself. So, instead of working hard I choose either to surrender or to be jealous. I chronically fear that I won’t be good enough to be accepted by others or to measure up to my abilities.

What is going on with me and how can I turn it around?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course, making a definitive assessment of your situation is impossible within this forum. But there are some suggestions I can make. Some of what you describe sounds like you have some attentional deficiency. Many times, the inability to persist on task that is associated with attention deficiencies is misinterpreted as “laziness.” In addition, it also sounds like you have found a way of protecting your fragile sense of self by not trying very hard when you’re afraid you might fail. So, any attentional problems you’re having might be further exacerbated by this self-defeating pattern. Lastly, it sounds like you might have some of the motivational deficiencies that accompany some level of depression.

It would probably be a good idea for you to seek professional assistance. There are some effective medications that can help you maintain a more positive outlook, improve your motivation, and increase your attentional focus and perseverance on tasks. In addition, you might use counseling or therapy to help sort through the self-esteem issues that are fueling the pattern of self-defeat that you already have some insight about.

Finally, it would be very important for you to reckon with one of the more important things I heard you say in your question. You indicated that you’re aware that you have always done things more for the approval of others than because you are really invested in them yourself, thus stifling any “creativity.” It’s quite possible that a lot of what you’ve been experiencing has less to do with attention problems, persistence problems, etc. and much more to do with the fact that you haven’t taken the time or invested the energy necessary to really know yourself, value yourself, and discover your true passions. If that is the case, then your investment in counseling or therapy should yield some wonderful fruits in your process of self-discovery.