Reader’s Question

I have always been a straight-A student but never too good at making friends. My friends were always few in number, and I never really got too close to any. I didn’t really care about it much until I changed schools in 8th grade. I was a total misfit in my new school. Most of the kids were rich, spoiled and “bitchy,” while I was basically kind of simple. At first, I was fine being myself. But then one of the boys in my class started to pick on me. Soon, my classmates would make fun of me, stare at me, and bully me to the point I was really uncomfortable. The whole class seemed to enjoy my being nothing but a joke, and I ended up a really confused girl with really low self-esteem. Even though the bullying stopped by the end of school, I didn’t really have a mind of my own. I was fake and tried way too hard to do avoid any chance I’d be bullied or be ridiculed.

Going to college changed everything. I grew out of my “dorky” look and started getting positive attention from people. But when I’d get compliments, I wouldn’t really believe them. I still have a serious fear of being judged in a negative way. So, I still stay quiet most of the time, taking care not to offend anyone. Worst of all, I still can’t approach or talk to anyone I think is remotely “cool.” I’ve had some amazing guys show interest in me, but I’m scared as hell of them. I seem to forget how to talk in front of people I like and still worry that people will not accept me for who I am. I know I’m a great person. But that doesn’t seem to help. What can I do to be more sure of myself?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Developing healthy self-esteem and confidence is one of life’s toughest challenges. It’s all a matter of balance. We don’t want to be like those who think far too much of themselves. But we also don’t want to feel inferior to others, either. Professionals have long advocated a few key strategies for developing a healthy and balanced sense of self-worth:

• Do what you believe in your heart to be the right thing to do, even if others criticize and mock you. Don’t govern your behavior just on the basis of what others might think. You can’t please everybody, and not everyone has the character to be a good friend to you.
• Take some risks. Be willing to stretch out socially instead of staying only in a comfort zone, fearing failure and disappointment. You can’t experience success unless you’re willing to risk defeat.
• When you make a mistake, admit it and make a course-correction. Don’t try to cover-up your mistakes or pretend you didn’t make them. You can’t really improve yourself without fairly judging how you’re doing.
• Don’t fish for compliments or extol your own virtues. Let others recognize your worth and recognize you. Those who don’t cherish you are not worth your time and worry. And those who really respect you don’t need you to prove your worth.
• Accept any compliments humbly and gratefully. Don’t dismiss them as insincere or fleeting. The most important feedback you need for a good sense of self-worth is not about how you look or how smart or talented you are, but about what kind of person you are. Those who really know you and respect the person you are will be your truest friends.

Well, those are some steps you can take. And remember, when it comes to relationships, the truly “coolest” people you’ll ever meet are those who possess the qualities in themselves that you would like others to appreciate in you.