Reader’s Question

I am a 25-year-old woman without any experience with sexual intercourse. Still, I have a high sex drive, and I am concerned that lately I haven’t been able to control sexual signals I might be sending with my eye contact.

I think I might be involuntarily sending a lot of people I talk to signals that I am sexually interested in them. Most people (acquaintances, close friends and family members) seem to react to the signals I must be sending because they start behaving (non-verbally) less than naturally toward me, which makes me feel uncomfortable. I have been getting unusual reactions from both females and males, although I do not consider myself bisexual or homosexual. So, it seems that I send these signals to anyone whom I feel emotionally attracted to in any way without really having a genuine desire to have sex with them — or any kind of physical contact for that matter. No matter how hard I try to distract or change my thoughts and my manner of interacting, I can’t seem to stop sending these signals. I’m finding this situation so intolerable that I’ve been avoiding being with the people I’ve often been with and to whom I fear I have sent these signals in the past.

I have only had a few intimate experiences of a sexual nature. I actually find it very hard to find to feel emotionally comfortable enough with someone to consider sexual contact, even if I’m attracted to them. I can only imagine myself having intercourse with someone I’m not only attracted to but with whom I am also emotionally secure. Yet I can seem to stop sending these signals. What can I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course it’s not possible to accurately assess your situation from such a distance, but here are some things to consider.

What you’re describing sounds much more like sexual ogling or gazing. It’s a kind of primitive and unconscious thing all primates do when they’re hungry for sexual courtship or intimacy. It’s not only primal but normal for human beings to sexually scrutinize others, taking mental notes on their physical features, etc. This is part of what we all do when we’re in the phase of life most characterized by the search for a suitable mate. You admit that you have a high sex drive but have not yet enjoyed the most intimate form of sexual experience or found a life companion. So, it’s not too surprising that you might be engaging in some sexual gazing.

At one time in western cultures, sexual gazing was considered not only harmless but welcome. The controversial actress Mae West once remarked: “It’s better to be looked over than to be overlooked.” But times have changed, and some people have become less comfortable with such gazing. Some folks even regard sexual ogling as a form of harassment. So, it’s also understandable that you’re distressed. The trick would seem to be to develop the control you want over this primal, unconscious urge so that your social encounters aren’t as stressful.

There are many ways we can learn to control even the most powerful urges, and there are therapists and counselors who specialize in helping people become more aware of the early antecedents of the behavior they want to bring under better control as well as to strengthen their capacity to redirect attention and modulate their impulses. So, don’t hesitate to seek some assistance with your problem, and don’t chide yourself for a perfectly normal and understandable situation. Set your sights upon learning more about your sexual needs and getting in better touch with your feelings and urges. That way you won’t have to fear intimate encounters with your friends and others.