Reader’s Question

I have been running away from my spouse and two adult children. My spouse has to work all the time to pay the bills, and I don’t like it. I also quit my job, but instead of spending more time at home I go other places to avoid my family. My sons treat me like I’m simply an ATM. One had a job but quit after cheating on his girlfriend. He is verbally and mentally abusive toward anybody and is always making up lies that I must be cheating on my spouse. The other son has dropped out of high school and just wants to do as he pleases. He does nothing to support himself and is always bothering me for money.

I have decided that if I simply avoid all of these men in my life I will be a lot happier. Every time I talk to any of them I end up getting so angry and frustrated that I end up going to a friend’s house for a couple of days. I have been doing this for over a month. I feel better until I have to talk to any of them. My spouse hasn’t questioned me much about what I have been doing and right now I don’t care. I am tired of dealing with all of them. There was a time when my spouse and I were mad about each other, but then I got my sons back and everything went downhill. I am considering divorce but some have told me to consider counseling. I don’t want to hear their advice. I know I must do something, so I am asking for advice. But I honestly think I’m a lot happier with what I am doing right now, which is to avoid them all.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s hard to imagine that you would really think a psychologist might advise running away from your problems as the best solution. Rather, it seems you want some validation that the situation you find yourself in is so painful that you want no more part of it. That’s okay. But in your heart, you must know that while keeping your distance might make you feel better temporarily, it’s not a solution.

You indicate that your relationship with your husband had been good until you got these boys back. You also indicate that financial needs necessitate that your husband work hard, and on top of that you’ve quit working. It seems that the only way you know to fight for the things you need is passively (i.e., quitting, running away, or otherwise refusing to engage). Ultimately, passive-aggressive strategies are extremely self-defeating.

Passive-aggressive strategies are preferred by individuals who have trouble deciding when and how to stand up for themselves and when to cave-in to the perceived demands of others. At heart, such individuals want to be unconditionally loved and valued more than anything and are very sensitive to perceived criticism. As a result, entering counseling or therapy can be a very unnerving experience, especially if there is a fear that personal inadequacies will be exposed.

You seem to be in need of developing more assertive skills and it would probably not hurt to give counseling a try. Rather than make the issues about your marriage or your plight with your sons, perhaps you could look at the prospect of counseling as a way to empower yourself through increased self-understanding and acceptance. Along the way you might also learn some much more effective ways to get your legitimate emotional needs met and to set some necessary limits with those who might otherwise take advantage of you.

Anger is a primal, important emotion that tells us there’s something really undesirable going on that we need to take action to correct. But it’s important that we let our anger work for us constructively by taking the kind of action that can really help us solve problems. Running away feels good, but it’s never been a reliable long-term solution.