Reader’s Question

I was pretty outgoing when I was really young, but after moving around a whole bunch and never getting to feel comfortable around one group of people (my father was in the military and later my parents divorced and my single mother moved around with us kids), I found myself becoming increasingly withdrawn and shy. However, I was still able to function pretty well in life. I am now 26 years old, and over the past two years or so, I have found myself becoming more socially anxious than I have ever been in my life. Whenever someone talks to me, I get so frightened I just want to cry. I don’t make eye contact with anyone. People walk all over me because they see how easily intimidated and spineless I am. I am always depressed and afraid. I get so nervous when I speak to someone that I stutter and stumble on my words, which makes me even more self-conscious. I’ve even withdrawn from old friends because I always feel like they don’t really like me or respect me. I’m chronically afraid I’ll lose my job because nobody here respects me or likes me because I am so socially withdrawn and anxious. I want to see a counselor, but I’m too afraid to contact anyone and don’t know where to begin (the idea of even talking to a receptionist frightens me).

I’m most curious about whether this a common affliction or if there’s something really odd about me. Is there any hope for a person who is afraid of everyone in the world getting over such a fear? It feels like the more I think about this social awkwardness, the more paralyzing it becomes.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are correct about the fact that thinking about your social discomfort is only likely to make matters worse. That’s especially true if you attach negative connotations about yourself and your self-worth to the apprehension you experience.

All that you describe is very typical for sufferers of Social Anxiety Disorder. And there are many effective treatments available, from medication to cognitive and behavioral strategies. So, don’t hesitate to seek help.

You indicate that you experience anxiety even at the thought of making the phone inquiries necessary to secure counseling. The best thing to do is to take note of those symptoms and to dismiss them as the symptomatic manifestation of the disorder. The anxious feelings will pass, especially if you don’t “attach” negative and self-condemnatory thoughts to them or allow yourself to ruminate about what a weak person you are or what a terrible condition you have. Replace those thoughts with positive thoughts and give yourself an internal endorsement for securing the help you need. In the end, when your anxiety is conquered, you’ll be even more confident about your ability to engage socially and to handle all types of anxiety-evoking situations.