I Left a “Cheater” But Maybe Now I’m With a “Hustler”: Am I Codependent?
Reader’s Question
Eight months ago, my 5-year relationship ended when my ex cheated on me. Since the break-up, I have been dating to move forward. My ex was a successful college grad like myself. I prayed about things and forgave him. Now I’m ready to move on with my life.
I have met somebody who seems really into me. This person didn’t finish high school. He calls, he takes me out, and he appears to be faithful. The problem is I think he is a hustler. He tells me he is a “rapper” and swears that is not the same as a hustler. I did a background check, and he does have a criminal record. He tells me his life of crime is in his past. I feel for him because my mother struggled with drug addiction which I helped her overcome as child. I want to love him, and be loved. And I want to believe in him because I want to trust him.
I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to stop seeing this guy just because I’m suspicious. But if he is a hustler then that goes against everything I stand for and believe in. I am so active in the community to help minorities overcome their obstacles. I question why I choose to be with him. I think I might be codependent. My mother was a drug addict, and I helped her since I was 14. I think this might be an unhealthy relationship to pursue, but what if it isn’t? What if he is just a rapper? If I leave him I don’t want to regret it. If I stay with him I don’t want to commit to a negative lifestyle.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
You fear you might be co-dependent. I would ask you: “Dependent with whom and upon what?” By the way, I’m very familiar with the concept of codependency and its characteristics. But I’m also familiar with how the term is often overgeneralized and misused. You indicate that the prospect of being alone unnerves you. That points to emotional dependency, not codependence. And dependent personalities find almost any reason not to be alone for long. They also hate to make judgments about others or to make their own best interest a priority.
My best guess is that you wouldn’t even be asking these questions if your intuition weren’t troubling you greatly. You’ve already experienced a man who was unfaithful, and now you’re contemplating a relationship with a man who has a record, a poor education, and whose professional credentials are dubious. It’s one thing to have empathy for the hardships of others but quite another thing to subject yourself to a high-risk relationship simply because you haven’t really faced or overcome your fear of being on your own.
People who make serious mistakes in life can and do rehabilitate themselves. If you’re determined to give this guy a chance, despite the risk, give him and yourself some time before getting too involved. Let him demonstrate that his street ways are indeed behind him and that he’s seriously at work developing the character you know in your heart you really want in a partner. If you are indeed “dependent” you’ll probably feel guilty for putting your welfare first. That should be a clear sign to you that you’ve got some serious issues to resolve (perhaps in therapy) before you’re capable of making sound decisions about any relationship.
