Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, although for 15 months of our relationship he was in Iraq. He did drugs before I met him and also used steroids. We can both be jealous, insecure, and untrusting of each other, perhaps me more so than him. After he came back from Iraq our relationship started to deteriorate. He was cold and distant and had a habit of lying to me about little things quite often, and some big things (such as purchasing more steroids behind my back). I’ve always been very loving and affectionate, and he hasn’t, so I’d always fight with him about that. Even though he can be cold, there are times when we’ll watch a romantic movie and he’ll break down crying and sobbing, and hug me and kiss me and tell me he loves me so much. He claims to be a family man yet seems so distant most of the time. He has an ex-wife and twin daughters.

He kicked me out of our apartment and tried to break up with me a couple times, but I wouldn’t let go and finally a couple weeks ago he lost it and said we were over. He started hanging out with some girlfriends from high school but then began texting me and telling me he didn’t want to have sex with anyone else and even though we weren’t together he still wanted to be with only me, sexually. At first I thought, oh my gosh he wants me to be his “friend with benefits.” He has a lot of friends back in his home state and desperately wanted to go back and visit them and party with them. Within the first day of his being in Florida, he went back to his old habits and did cocaine. I call him, but he confesses to me that he did coke and a girl in the background gets on the phone and tells me he’s been talking nothing but good about me all night. The next day he calls me and tells me he can’t believe he did coke again and he feels like the biggest idiot ever, and hopes I’ll forgive him and not hold it against him.

What am I supposed to think from all this mess? Is he messing with my head? Is he just confused? What should I take from this? I love him to death, but I feel like I’m being a pushover and being taken for granted. And I’ve told him this before, too. Please help with some advice!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your instincts are telling you quite clearly that this young man still has problems with the irresponsible use of drugs as well as serious problems maintaining a healthy intimate relationship. You say he kicked you out more than once but according to you, you “wouldn’t let go.” The bigger question you should have is why you wouldn’t let go. What is it that you’re expecting here? What do you want in the relationship? Those are questions only you can answer.

You direct your attention toward him, wondering if he’s “messing” with your head or is possibly “confused.” Meanwhile, your attention is taken away from the conflict in your heart about what kinds of limits you need to set and decisions you need to make in order to secure the kind of relationship you want. If you’re willing to accept the partying, lying, drug use, emotional coldness, being used for sex, etc. to get whatever it is you seem to be getting from this relationship, by all means go for it. In the end, we always get precisely the relationship we ask for. But if you want something more for yourself, you’ve got some serious self-examination to do (perhaps with a counselor) before you can see clearly enough what it would take to have the kind of relationship you say you really want.