Reader’s Question

I’m really worried that my boyfriend still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, and it’s causing problems in our relationship.

My boyfriend and his ex were together for 9 months before I came along. This was his longest relationship before ours, but we’re only 16 so what can you expect? He started dating me a few months after he and his ex broke up, and we’ve been together for a year and a month now. Anyway, I’m worried because he keeps mentioning things about this other girl and bringing her name up in casual conversations. I would understand if he wanted to discuss with me what went wrong in their relationship or anything like that, but he simply randomly mentions little things about her or things they did together all the time. Some of his comments have had to do with sexual matters between them. I get the impression that he enjoys remembering these small details about her, and my philosophy is that if he’s talking about her, he’s thinking about her.

Before we first started dating, he talked about her ALL the time. I didn’t mind then because we were not in a deep relationship. But when we got more involved I told him how his talking about his ex made me uncomfortable, and he said that he only did it because sometimes something in the conversation would remind him of her, and that she was his last girlfriend before me so it was only natural. He said that just because he mentioned her doesn’t mean he still has feelings for her and that he would be with her if he wanted to but he doesn’t. For awhile, he stopped mentioning her because I asked him to. It was clear he was refraining simply because I’d asked. When I told him to feel free to mention her again, I really, really, with all my heart, wanted him to say something like: “Well, I just haven’t been thinking about her anymore because you’re the only woman I think about these days.” But he didn’t. The conversation soon turned into an argument, and we are still pissed off at each other.

My question is whether or not he is probably still in love with her. He gets very defensive when I ask him this. On the rare occasions we actually talked in a meaningful way about his relationship with her, he talked about her in a very negative way, saying she was a “bitch,” and that he couldn’t take any more of her crap. Just the intensity of his response told me he probably still has feelings for her.

Part of me thinks I’m just insecure because I know what his ex looks like physically, and she has big boobs which I don’t have. But a part of me really worries that they still have feelings for one another. I’ve even talked to this girl and asked her if she still had feelings for my boyfriend, but she wouldn’t answer me directly and got very defensive about their relationship compared to ours. She did insinuate that my boyfriend gave up weed for her but not me, suggesting that their relationship was more intense than ours.

As you can see, I’m very confused.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s one thing to be confused. It’s another to be conflicted. From what you say, you don’t seem confused at all. You seem to have sifted through enough fairly obvious evidence that these two individuals still have feelings for one another. What you may be, however, is conflicted with respect to what to do about it. You don’t indicate that either of these individuals has done anything to rekindle their relationship or to sabotage yours. Your prime concern appears to be whether your boyfriend has the same level of feelings for you that he had for her and whether in time he will put some closure on their relationship.

You rightfully mentioned that you are both still quite young. It’s not at all abnormal for persons your age to have some difficulty sifting through the various strong emotions that affect relationships. It’s also not unusual for someone this age to be hesitant to commit fully to one person.

The thing you mentioned that raises the brightest red flag is the statement you made about your insecurity (comparing your attributes to others). It is likely to be quite difficult for you to resolve your conflicts about this or any other relationship if you’re still not very sure of your overall attractiveness and worth as a person. I’d give that the greatest degree of your attention. Doing so will help you assess your situation more clearly and help you resolve your conflicted feelings about what to do.